Conflict is a normal part of family life. As a mediator, you have the skills to facilitate peaceful resolutions to conflicts, but it can be challenging to apply them so close to home. In this article, we'll discuss how mediators can be the peacemakers in their own family conflicts by providing strategies for identifying unique considerations, assessing the situation before engaging, addressing power dynamics between family members and recognizing the limitations.
Can You Mediate Your Own Family’s Conflicts?
In recent years, political divisions have made normal family conflicts even more frequent. Such polarization can derail the fun at family gatherings. The challenge is when you, as the mediator, feel pressured to be the peacemaker.
I have been in many situations when people close to me begin quarreling and then turn to me pleading, “You’re the mediator. Help us out here!” Sometimes they are joking, but on many occasions, it is a serious request for an on-the-spot conflict intervention.
Though it may not be the same as mediating between clients you do not know, managing conflict in your own family is doable. The key, as with any mediation, is the mediator’s “trust the process” mantra, with a few caveats.
Rather than adopting a take-no-sides stance, I challenge all mediators to strive for omnipartiality, in any mediations we do, but particularly within our own families. Through a deeper understanding of all facets of the conflict, the omnipartial mediator, explains Kenneth Cloke, can “affirm the underlying emotional and ‘heart’ truths they represent.” By offering this level of compassion to family members, you are essentially modeling deep empathy and understanding, which may be the restorative and healing balm they need.
Easier said than done, however, because in many ways, everything you have been taught as a mediator could be challenged by intervening in your own family’s conflict. If your goal is to preserve peace, there is no harm in offering your skills, just recognize that you are not obligated to do so and, if you do, you may need to tweak your usual process.
Unique Considerations for Mediating Within Your Family
One key difference is that, as a member of the family, you are aware of the history, norms and power dynamics between everyone involved in the conflict. While emotions start to ramp up, it’s tempting to want to immediately deescalate through mediation, but it’s important to do a little triage first.
Ask yourself:
Is now the right time to mediate?
Do the potential benefits to your family’s peace outweigh the risks?
Are you the right mediator for this conflict?
Is mediation even appropriate?
If you can check all the above boxes and you’re up for such a challenge, the best first step is to put on your professional mediator mindset. You may also need to be calm, firm and professional in your approach. If your disputing family members welcome you as the mediator, they should also respect your experience and facilitation skills. Adopting a more serious tone will not only assure them of your competency, but it may also provide them with a sense of comfort and hope.
Present yourself as the mediator, as you would in any mediation, beginning with your opening statement. The following key elements of the opening statement can be most helpful to set the tone for your mediation:
Define mediation, what it is and isn’t
Invite them to voluntarily participate in the process
Let them know what your role as mediator will be
Give an overview of what they can expect
Explain how confidentiality works in mediation
Agree upon a duration for the mediation
Elicit any pre-mediation agreements or ground rules they may find helpful to ensure respectful and safe engagement
Discuss housekeeping issues (turn off cell phones, use facilities, hydrate, etc.)
It is also important to articulate how your role as the mediator in the family may be different from that of mediator between parties you do not know. Not all of the usual rules of engagement may apply.
For starters, you know the parties, and therefore should discuss your relationships to everyone, if it’s not already obvious, and to any issues in which you may have a vested interest. Disclose any biases that you may have and consider removing issues related to those specific biases off the table for discussion. For example, it may be no secret that you and Aunt Mary voted for opposing candidates in the last election, but that won’t impact how you mediate her annual disagreement with Aunt Mildred over who is in charge of this year’s family reunion.
You might also consider adding some of your own expectations that are beyond the usual scope of mediation. For example, when called to mediate between people I know, I will state that if at any point I feel pulled into the conflict or if either party senses biases on my part, we will need to stop the mediation.
I will also set forth some practical expectations, such as what to tell other family members when they ask what we were discussing so privately. I may also say, “This stops here, no matter what you decide, we will not talk to others about anything we’ve discussed.” This can reinforce the confidentiality and create some agreements about how we will all interact with one another as well as the rest of the family outside the mediation setting. Sometimes, agreeing to put on a unified front beyond the mediation can lay the groundwork for embracing a common goal of fostering peace and ending divisions.
Assessing the Situation Before Engaging
It is up to you, as the mediator, to assess whether your involvement will help or exacerbate the family conflict. A mediator’s role is to facilitate a resolution that works for everyone. This may include you, as well as the broader family members not involved in the conflict. While you may not be directly entangled in the dispute, you should be honest with yourself, and with the parties involved, as to the limits of your emotional investment and the impact the mediation may have on your relationships.
As with any mediation, it's important to listen for hurtful triggers or toxic patterns that may have led everyone to this point. As discussed in this article, self-awareness is critical to staying centered. Our own emotional triggers are shaped by our experiences, assumptions and biases, which may be more acute within our own family’s conflict. Pay attention to the intensity of emotions each individual is experiencing, including yourself. This will help you devise the best strategy for engaging them in the mediation process, without getting pulled into the conflict. As several expert mediators shared in this article, compassionate detachment is important to ensuring you manage your own emotions and stick with the process.
It's also essential to be mindful of any power imbalances between family members involved in the conflict. Above all, you want to ensure that everyone feels heard and respected.
Addressing Power Dynamics Between Family Members
As a member of the family, you are likely already aware of any preexisting power dynamics. These can be based on age, gender, socioeconomics, education, traditions or other factors. It is important to be mindful of how these dynamics may be impacting the dispute.
You may also need to weigh how you will manage any family norms, cultural traditions or religious considerations that may show up as power struggles. How you handle them can have a significant impact on both the process and the outcome of the dispute.
Instead of trying to force a power balance at the proverbial negotiation table you may need to work within existing hierarchies or honorifics. Since you also need to preserve your relationship with everyone in the mediation, you may need to respect those familial power structures. They may not necessarily be in the way of resolution. If they are, sometimes simply acknowledging divisions, such as traditional versus modern values, may help the parties recognize what is clouding their abilities to understand one another. Asking open-ended questions about how they would like to address those power differences empowers them to work together to restore harmony.
It's also important to ensure that everyone feels respected. This can be done by actively listening to each individual. Offer those keys to listening: acknowledgement, validation, empathy, clarification and summaries. As with any mediation, it's also important to be compassionate and balanced in your approach, and to ensure that everyone feels heard. If through mediation you can illuminate below-the-surface issues and interests, the pathway toward resolution becomes clearer.
Recognizing Your Limits
Though it can be tempting to try and mediate every dispute in your own family, there may be times when you need to simply step back and let your family know you will not get involved.
It's important for all mediators to recognize our own limitations. With your family and yourself, you should be honest about your frame of mind. Boundary-setting is not only important for yourself personally and professionally, but doing so may be critical to preserving some semblance of peace within your family.
If the dispute is too emotionally charged or the parties are too entrenched, it simply may not work for you to mediate.
If you begin to feel pulled into the conflict, you should recuse yourself as the mediator.
You may also encourage your family members to resolve the conflict on their own. You might provide some guidelines for healthier conversations. Give them pointers on how to respectfully and actively listen to one another.
If they are unable to productively engage through the conflict, it may be appropriate to recommend they seek the intervention of an outside mediator. You are still doing your family a favor by encouraging mediation, just not with you as the mediator.
Conclusion
Managing conflict in your own family can be challenging, but it is possible. As a mediator, it's important to offer a balanced approach that meshes compassionate detachment, boundary-setting and professionalism. By recognizing the unique considerations of mediating within one’s own family, assessing the situation before engaging, considering the power dynamics involved and recognizing potential limitations, mediators can be the peacemakers in their own family disputes.
If you are looking to improve your mediation skills and be the peacemaker in your own family conflicts, consider joining hundreds of mediators worldwide enrolled in IMA courses, open to all levels of experience.
