Family gatherings can bring feelings of warmth, excitement and joy. Like most of us these days, you may also be bracing yourself for dreaded toxic political conversations. A couple of my peers and I wondered what happened to simpler times, when people had healthy debates on front porches. From those musings, we developed a project called Porch Talks, to guide conversations from toxic to healthy. I have lifted some of those ideas to share six simple ways to prevent family gatherings from being derailed by politics.
As I write this, we are gearing up for a big holiday season, but politically-charged disputes can happen year-round. Holidays for my family often involve spending the morning and afternoon cooking together. We then welcome our extended family to indulge in the feast. The conversations typically begin with small talk about how delicious the caramel apple pie and soup are. I anticipate this year it will also be impossible to avoid discussing the World Cup, the high price of gasoline or homelessness in our community. These are all fairly safe topics. Safe, that is, until the moment we were all bracing for brings the conversation to an abrupt halt. Someone will hurl a zinger about a controversial political topic. If we are lucky, the comment can be passed off as a light joke, averting a heated debate. However, as our society becomes more polarized, divisive remarks rarely land well.
To avoid family conflict, I’ve been known to excuse myself to build a Lego tower with the two-year-old who has no opinion on politics. Or, if that’s too awkward, I’ll try to change the subject to something benign, such as the insects bothering everyone. Sometimes conflict avoidance is impossible, however, and we’re inevitably pulled into a toxic whirlpool of political banter. Everyone, including myself, is typically posturing ourselves to defend our opinion and convince those with opposing beliefs why they lack thoughtfulness and awareness. However, in my experience, these conversations fail to change people's opinions. Rather, they tend to result in harsh judgments being made on those with opposing opinions. These conversations remind me that the harmonious façade is truly unstable. This scene may feel all too familiar to you.
It is undeniable that polarization and divisiveness have started to chip away at the social harmony in our families, communities, and country. Discussing political ideas with loved ones no longer feels safe, unless everyone at the table shares the same beliefs. Tragically, conflicting political beliefs are damaging many personal relationships.
Recently, I had the opportunity to collaborate with Lucia Simpson and Joel Reinecke and offer insights from my conflict resolution and mediation work to create Porch Talks. Central to this project is a dialogue toolkit that provides step-by-step guidance for how to have conversations about contentious topics with your loved ones and bring understanding. It is not a tool to convince others that your beliefs are superior or to address deep-rooted familial conflicts. The toolkit will not change policies. It may not even change minds. Instead, this guide provides the conditions and support for a conversation where all involved individuals feel heard and understood. When trusted, the toolkit combats the temptation to reduce people to their views on contentious topics.
The toolkit seeks to help participants explore how their experiences have shaped their beliefs and articulate those experiences as a story. It invites dialogue partners to add nuance to their opinions that are often simplified to align with a specific political party. At Porch Talks, we believe that storytelling and nuance will reveal similarities and allow people to connect in ways that are often not possible when debating. When trusted by all parties, the toolkit, involving independent reflection and dialogue, can inspire empathy towards one another, productive conflict engagement, and open the door to healthy conversations.
As a mediator, I am often confident in my ability to help others resolve their conflicts but sometimes lack confidence in applying those same skills in my personal life. The toolkit requires all involved individuals to be committed to the exercises and not defending their opinion. During informal gatherings, it may not be possible to convince everyone around the table to use the toolkit. It is likely that you will encounter family members who are solely interested in convincing everyone at the table that their entrenched political beliefs are superior or more correct than anyone else’s. While we believe that cultivating dialogue between loved ones on hard topics is a long-term goal, we also believe there are tactics that can be deployed in larger family settings to head off both yelling matches and awkward silences across the holiday feast. There are some simple steps one person at the table can take to foster greater understanding, kinder discussions and empathy.
Inspired by the Porch Talks project, here are six simple ways to prevent family gatherings from being derailed by politics:
Ask them to tell you a story.
Imagine your most boisterous aunt comments about her excitement that her favorite candidate just announced he or she is running for office. If your feelings towards this announcement do not align with your aunt’s, you may be tempted to let her know that, possibly in no uncertain terms. Instead, consider asking her to share a story: perhaps a memory of the candidate’s life before politics. You have every right to disagree, but this might not be the moment to flesh out that disagreement most productively.
When encouraging people to tell a story, it may be helpful to ask the following open-ended questions:
What was your first experience with this particular topic?
How have your life experiences shaped your current belief on this topic?
How did your upbringing inform your current belief on this topic?
What experiences in your life have led you to believe this?
What has led you to hold this particular opinion?
How has holding onto this particular view benefited you in your life? What has this perspective afforded you/not afforded you?
2. Tie it back to family, friends, and communities.
Imagine your eldest grandson loudly espouses the view that laws requiring the use of car seatbelts are tyrannical and infringe on civil liberties. You may see this infringement as a necessity for the preservation of lives, rather than an unwanted burden. Instead of arguing with him, however, try asking questions to find out how his experiences growing up, with family, friends, or communities more generally, influenced him getting to that point. If you still disagree, you may be able to do so more productively and respectfully, once you have learned about the origins of his position.
For example, perhaps you’ve lived your entire life in a city, and you saw many car accidents where seatbelts saved lives. Your grandson, after having worked on a farm out in the country, was irritated when his coworker was pulled over by the police for not having a seatbelt while working out in the field. With a fresh perspective, his position may make more sense to you.
3. Practice active listening.
Imagine your peppy second cousin has trapped you on the sofa, launching into a monologue about the urgency of implementing emissions taxes on all businesses to mitigate climate change. Though you may feel differently about the possible outcomes of emissions taxes, and opportunities for interjection may come few and far between, consider reflecting some of her key points.
Start with “what I’m hearing you say is…” This serves two purposes: making the other person feel heard, and exposing any unintentional misunderstanding of what was said. This signal that you are listening and are invested in the musings of your cousin might make for more fertile ground for you to then ask a question to tease out a point of contention without getting into immediate conflict.
IMA’s listening skills checklist will help you reflect on if you are actively listening. The checklist encourages you to ask open-ended and clarification questions and acknowledge what the person is saying.
Open-ended questions require that you value what the other person is communicating. These questions allow for further explanation and exploration of what has been stated.
Clarifying questions demonstrate a desire to understand and respect the other person while acknowledging what the other person has said. Some clarifying questions include:
What I am hearing you say is…Is that what you mean to say?
Did I hear you say…?
Is it correct to understand what you said to mean…?
What did you mean by…?
4. Draw from your shared experiences.
Imagine that your cousin begins expressing his frustration with how he disagrees with a new curriculum that the governor is seeking to implement into classrooms. This has led him to dismiss the potential of enrolling his kids in the local public school. You personally believe that the curriculum is necessary and beneficial to students. While reflecting on what he is saying, you notice that you have also felt confused about the curriculum and how the teacher’s union proposes to implement it within classrooms. Despite having a different opinion on the curriculum and its implementation to your cousin, there are notable similarities. You can acknowledge his opinion and validate the confusion that he is expressing. Given that you both went to the same high school, you may begin to state your skepticism with the proposed implementation plan in this type of setting. The more you discuss, the more you realize that you both have had similar questions.
In the toughest situations, it may seem like there are no similarities, but it is important to seek opportunities that reveal surprising common ground. Unfortunately, political discussions are often characterized by partisan political views. When healthy dialogue is encouraged and allowed, parallel ideas may emerge. Statements that can help emphasize kinship and connection include:
I have also had similar questions and have wondered about… (list what questions you have in common)
I also value… (list similarities in what you value)
It sounds like our upbringing was similar… (list ways that your upbringing was similar)
5. Be honest about your frame of mind.
Perhaps this just isn’t the right moment for you to respectfully engage in a politically charged conversation. Maybe you didn’t get a good night’s rest, or you’ve been stressed about preparations for this gathering, or you’re carrying the weight of other stresses in your life. For whatever reason, you’re just in the right frame of mind to engage when your grumpy retired uncle begins complaining about how grocery stores charge customers to have their food bagged in plastic. He encourages your family members to add their opinions and engage in a heated conversation. With a little self-awareness you know you’re unable to calmly contribute to the discussion and fear that participation will sour your day. Even when someone persuades you to contribute your opinion to the conversation, it is reasonable to respectfully tell your family members that you are not ready to contribute to the discussion. You can communicate your unwillingness to participate by saying:
Thank you for inviting me into the conversation. I’ve honestly got a lot on my mind right now and am not in the right headspace to contribute.
I appreciate your desire to listen to my opinions, but I am not ready to share them.
I prefer to listen rather than share my opinions.
When articulating your inability to engage, you are permitting yourself to remove yourself from the situation if they disrespect your boundary.
6. Articulate clear boundaries.
Halfway through the meal, your older sister, whom you respect, states that you should quit your job and focus on being a stay-at-home mom like she has done. You fully support her choices but know that it is critical to your happiness that you continue to work part-time. This is not the first time she has raised this topic, however, and past conversations have made you feel guilty. You are willing to talk to her about this topic, however, you have decided that you will not engage if she accuses you of being a bad parent, makes a judgmental comparison of your kids’ behavior compared to hers, blames your partner for being unable to make enough money to support the entire family, and threatens your relationship with her.
When discussing contentious topics with your family members, you have the freedom to explain your conditions for engagement. It may be awkward to formalize these conversations, but the goal is to protect or strengthen your relationship. You might use the following prompts to establish how you are willing to engage in the conversation:
I am willing to discuss this topic with you as long as…
I will not participate if I feel attacked. How can we ensure that we do not attack each other?
I will not engage in this conversation if it threatens our relationship. Are you willing to discuss how we can preserve our relationship and have a healthy dialogue?
I am only interested in having this conversation with you if we can agree that the goal is to establish greater understanding rather than change each other’s opinions. If you are willing to agree to this, how can we both honor this commitment?
Try an “I” statement, such as “I feel judged whenever you bring this up, because you don’t support the way we run our household. What I need is for us to either agree to respect one another’s unique choices.”
Getting together with family should bring us feelings of warmth and contentment. Toxic political conversations can create divisiveness and discontent. If left to fester, many families found these situations to create conflicts that can last for years. Have you had this experience? If so, or if you have some successes, share your thoughts in the comments section. Meanwhile, I hope these strategies help prevent your next family gathering from being derailed by politics.
