When you think of reconciliation, perhaps you picture a hug between friends after an apology. Or maybe an image of a person confessing their wrongdoings to a religious leader comes to mind. Or you envision two groups making amends after years of vicious fighting. You might be even thinking of a recent personal experience of your own reconciliation in your head. The notion of reconciliation is unique for all of us and as old as the first conflict. Reconciliation is more than an event. It’s a complex process that can have lasting and positive impacts on relationships. Because of this, it's important to understand the power of reconciliation in mediation, and how it can transform conflict into sustainable harmony.
Reconciliation plays an important role in disputes of all sizes, from family squabbles to civil wars. Mediation relies heavily on principles of reconciliation to achieve lasting and meaningful outcomes. Mediators use strategies to foster understanding, empathy, and communication. While not required, this process can ultimately result in reconciliation between parties. This article explores the pivotal role that reconciliation plays in mediation and its profound impact on individuals, families, communities, and societies. Since reconciliation is so transformational its process can seem complex, but once understood, mediators can refer to a substantial base of tools to address conflicts on micro, mezzo, and macro scales. In this article, we’ll look at different definitions of reconciliation, the tools learned from reconciliation, the transformative power of reconciliation, and how meditators can harness the power of reconciliation in their practice.
Definitions of Reconciliation
Oftentimes when conceptualizing a broad topic such as reconciliation, it helps to look at its different definitions. According to Google’s English dictionary, Oxford Languages, reconciliation is defined as “the restoration of friendly relations” and “the action of making one view or belief compatible with another.” A definition that mediators may find helpful is from the United States Institute of Peace, which describes reconciliation as “the long-term process by which the parties to a violent dispute build trust, learn to live cooperatively, and create a stable peace. It can happen at the individual level, the community level, and the national level.”
These definitions reveal that at its core, reconciliation involves actions taken between parties to transform the space they operate in to make it work for all parties in the dispute. To quote former UN Secretary General, Kofi Anan, “Reconciliation is a long-term process, not an event.” Reconciliation involves work performed by the involved parties. This may include active silence and active listening, as parties share with each other and reflect on the underlying issues of their conflict. They may communicate stories, experiences, and their unique truths with one another. They may each seek or offer forgiveness. Through dialogue, parties that actively reconcile come together in a way where they can mend their relationship moving forward. In finding solutions to their conflict, they transform their relationship to accommodate one another in new ways.
Reconciliation is more likely to occur when there is space for it to be held. It happens most often when participants are willing to listen and shift their perspectives, in ways that consider the other party’s concerns about the conflict. It is not necessarily forgiveness, but it is a affirmation in which parties recognize the relationship with the other party, and agree to work to transform it from a state of conflict. With reconciliation, there is still room for contradiction in the relationship, but not conflict. In other words, parties find a way to respectfully disagree with one another.
The Tools of Reconciliation and How Mediators Can Use Them
Now that we understand reconciliation as a process, let's consider techniques and strategies mediators can use to illuminate the pathway to reconciliation.
Well-trained mediators know they should neither invent solutions nor give advice, but here are some tools that may foster reconciliation in mediation:
Holding Space
The process of reconciliation can only work if there is a safe space in which to work through the conflict. Mediators play an important role in creating a space in which parties feel comfortable to express themselves freely. Whether this means meeting in person in a neutral area, online via web conference, taking breaks, or caucusing individually with each side, mediators must create an inviting environment for parties.
Stating Truths
A key aspect of reconciliation is stating the truth to one another. It is important for parties of conflict to acknowledge harm done so the process of healing can move forward. Accepting accountability for one’s role in the conflict is a crucial first step to making amends and rebuilding a wounded relationship. While it may involve an apology, this is not always essential for reconciliation.
Reiterating Listening
Reconciliation can only happen when parties truly listen to one another's interests. It’s the mediator’s job to facilitate a process in which parties are given ample time to speak, to be heard, and to actively listen to one another. It's a delicate balance of holding space for emotion and feelings within the conversation. Oftentimes silence is a great way to listen. Parties can work through uncomfortable feelings and identify what to bring up to one another after allowing periods of silence. This will give ample time for parties to better understand the situation at hand, and relieve stress from the mediation process.
Addressing Feelings
Speaking of emotion, reconciliation can only occur if the underlying causes of the conflict are addressed. This means not just addressing the financial or physical harms of a conflict, but the emotional harms as well. This is important if parties want to keep a relationship with one another after reconciling. This may look like an apology and forgiveness, but not always.
Setting Terms
The boundaries and terms of the relationship moving forward must be set in order for healing to occur in a relationship. Surprisingly, parties may agree to limit communication in the future in order to reconcile. Mediators can help facilitate a process in which terms are set by parties moving forward in their interactions. Mutual acceptance of the terms of engagement can bolster feelings of security and safety that fuel lasting harmony.
Transformation
A crucial tool of reconciliation is transformation. Once a conflict is addressed and parties bring forward solutions, mediators can acknowledge the work that was done and the lessons that were learned. This will help parties recognize areas within the relationship that have been harmed during conflict, embrace the process of reconciliation, and develop skills to deal with future conflicts if they occur.
The Power of Reconciliation for Conflict Transformation
Now that we understand the tools of reconciliation, let's look at how reconciliation in mediation can transform conflict. The following list includes some practical ways in which mediators and mediation can promote reconciliation.
Facilitating Communication and Understanding
One of the primary functions of reconciliation in mediation is to facilitate effective communication. Often, conflicts arise due to misunderstandings, miscommunication, or deep-seated grievances. Mediators create a safe and structured environment where parties can express their concerns, listen to each other's perspectives, and work toward mutual understanding. By encouraging empathy and active listening, mediators help disputants move beyond positions to uncover the underlying interests and needs driving the conflict.
Healing Emotional Wounds
Conflict can inflict emotional wounds that go beyond the tangible issues at stake. In mediation, the process of reconciliation includes acknowledging these emotional aspects and providing opportunities for healing. This may involve apologies, expressions of regret, or simply being heard and validated. Healing emotional wounds is crucial not only for individual well-being but also for building trust and fostering a sense of closure that enables parties to move forward constructively.
Building Sustainable Agreements
Reconciliation significantly enhances the sustainability of agreements reached through mediation. Mediators know that the self-determination of the parties is essential to the mediation process. When parties feel heard, understood, and respected, they are more likely to engage in generating resolutions that benefit everyone. Agreements are more sustainable when all parties voluntarily propose, take ownership of, and comply with the terms of their resolutions. Furthermore, by addressing underlying interests and concerns, mediated agreements tend to be more comprehensive and durable, reducing the likelihood of future disputes or recriminations.
Promoting Long-Term Relationships
In many cases, especially in workplace or community settings, parties involved in mediation are likely to have ongoing relationships beyond the immediate conflict. Reconciliation helps preserve or rebuild these relationships by restoring trust and promoting goodwill. This is particularly valuable in environments where ongoing cooperation or collaboration is essential for productivity, harmony, or social cohesion.
Contributing to Societal Healing
On a broader scale, the practice of mediation with a focus on reconciliation contributes to societal healing and resilience. By resolving conflicts peacefully and promoting understanding between individuals or groups, mediation reinforces social bonds and strengthens community cohesion. It demonstrates the efficacy of dialogue and negotiation over adversarial approaches, offering a model for constructive conflict resolution in global contexts. Reconciliation processes have been used by nations such as South Africa, Argentina, Sierra Leone, Rwanda, and Cambodia, and by local governments in the United States and Canada dealing with issues of indigenous rights and racial justice.
Reconciliation Does Not Always Occur
The reality of any conflict is that an impasse is always a possibility. While most mediated cases reach an agreement, at the end of the day, it's not the mediator's job to ensure there is reconciliation. The mediator should strive to facilitate conditions for parties to achieve reconciliation themselves if they desire. Ideally, the mediator continually relies on the process and offers hope to the parties that a resolution is possible. The mediator should always be the last person to give up on the possibility of reconciliation.
It's easy for mediators to feel like they have failed the parties if the only agreements reached are practical, transactional solutions. Mediation does not have to end in an emotional reconciliation to be successful. For example, maybe two people agree on a financial arrangement that satisfies them both, while also choosing to permanently sever the relationship. Ending a relationship can provide some people with a sense of peace and harmony that has positive reverberations for those around them.
Agreements may also require patience as they are reached incrementally over long periods of time. For example, two warring factions in a civil clash may reach a mutually satisfying short-term water-sharing agreement while they work on building a longer-term path toward peace and reconciliation. Sometimes these small-scale agreements, particularly when facilitated by insider mediators, can lay the groundwork for sustainable, local peacebuilding processes.
Ideally, instead of focusing on what got the parties into the conflict, mediators can help parties shift to envisioning the future they want to co-create, whether that future is together or apart.
Mediation and Reconciliation: A Transformative Duo
The central power of reconciliation lies in its ability to disarm parties, build understanding, and transform wounds of conflict into stronger relationships. It does more than heal the pain of conflict. It makes something new out of the sum of its previously broken parts.
Reconciliation is a process and can be a difficult one at that. Particularly when reconciliation evolves from conflict mediation, however, it can result in sustainable harmony.
In the aftermath of South Africa’s apartheid horrors, the country’s most respected leaders explored processes for national healing. Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Laureate and architect of the country’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission, famously wrote,
"We contend that there is another kind of justice, restorative justice, which was characteristic of traditional African jurisprudence. Here the central concern is not retribution or punishment. In the spirit of ubuntu, the central concern is the healing of breaches, the redressing of imbalances, the restoration of broken relationships, a seeking to rehabilitate both the victim and the perpetrator, who should be given the opportunity to be reintegrated into the community he has injured by his offense.”
At its core, reconciliation in mediation refers to the restoration or establishment of amicable relations between conflicting parties. It goes beyond mere agreement on terms or concessions; it involves addressing underlying grievances, repairing damaged relationships, and paving the way for future cooperation. This process acknowledges the emotional dimensions of conflict, recognizing that sustainable resolutions may involve more than just transactional legal or financial settlements.
Reconciliation, while not a requirement, is an aspirational element of mediation, transcending the mere resolution of disputes to encompass healing, understanding, and the restoration of relationships. It empowers parties to move beyond the limitations of their positions, fostering mutually acceptable agreements that are more likely to endure over time. Ultimately, the role of reconciliation in mediation extends far beyond individual cases, shaping a more harmonious and interconnected world through peaceful conflict resolution. There isn’t a cookie-cutter process or finality to reconciliation. IMA mediators build confidence and resilience in conflict resolution through our courses, enabling them to recognize conflicts that call for reconciliation processes.
Reconciliation looks different in every conflict, depending on many factors in conflict. However, awareness of what reconciliation is, understanding its power, and applying the tools for fostering reconciliation can help meditators illuminate a clearer pathway toward lasting resolutions.
Ultimately, reconciliation in mediation can transform conflict into sustainable harmony.
What other tools do you see in the reconciliation process? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section below.
