This article was published during the COVID-19 pandemic, a day after the count of globally-documented cases surpassed one million. I felt it was necessary to write this as much for you, dear reader, as for myself. At this point, we don’t really know what the world will look like when the pandemic is over. What I do know is that uncertainty breeds anxiety. Stress clouds our ability to focus on much of anything, let alone resolving conflicts between adversaries. It would be easy to just tell everyone to forgive and forget, but in reality, conflicts only escalate if left to fester indefinitely. After 25 years as a mediator, I assure you, it’s possible to manage conflict in stressful times. In this article, I offer a few options.
Even though most of my work is virtual, fear and panic is palpable amongst our students and clients. We don’t have to live with the stress of conflict, however. I have witnessed people work through seemingly intractable disputes, often under high-pressure conditions, so I know it is possible to get to a better place.
In fact, once a conflict is resolved, stress created by it will also dissipate.
Based on my work as a mediator, here are five strategies you may want to use for managing conflict in spite of the stress you may be experiencing. I hope you will also share strategies you have found useful in the comments section. We all stand to learn from one another, now more than ever.
Reduce Your Stress
First, in order to manage a conflict more effectively, it helps to sift out the stress in our lives that is unrelated to the conflict. Perhaps you’re not getting enough sleep, you’ve not been able to maintain a healthy diet or you’re worried about finances. These are very real stressors that trigger fight, flight or freeze responses. These unproductive reactions are often difficult to control.
STRESS RESPONSES are exacerbated by conflict.
In this article I shared three strategies for building resilience in conflict, even when the pressure is high. Maintain healthy habits, or develop new ones. Even if you feel isolated or stuck at home, there are some simple ways to combat stress.
When 2020 began, I resolved to cultivate a goal-oriented approach to my business and life. After doing some research, I settled on the Best Self Journal, designed to build a calmer and more productive routine. I cannot stress enough how valuable this little change was for me, personally and professionally. The journal includes prompts to start and finish each day by listing three things for which you are grateful, which also helps clear the fog of stress. Even though the pandemic knocked my progress off-course a couple weeks, having the structure helped me regain my footing and adapt my goals and rhythm to the rapidly changing social norms.
Most importantly, when stress emerges, as Elizabeth Hill of University of Colorado’s Ombuds Office recommends, the best response is to first be kind to yourself.
Change Your Perspective
One way to reduce your stress in conflicts is to minimize the distractions that get in the way of active listening, as I discussed in a previous article.
Try changing the scenery, so you can approach the conflict with a clearer mind.
In a previous article, I shared a story of one couple’s decades-old conflict. They kept rehashing the same old conflict until they literally changed seats in their living room.
You could also consider stepping away from conflict, as a way of delineating safe boundaries. Let the other person know you need a break, as I discussed here. If your interaction feels especially toxic, find ways to take shelter, even if it’s temporary.
Weather permitting, you could also move the discussion to the great outdoors. The healing effects of a little bit of sunshine can not only literally brighten our days, but also elevate our moods. Moreover, while you’re outside, you may discover the calming benefits of gardening or exercising.
As I mentioned in this article, an injection of humor can be a simple way of lightening the mood and shifting your attention away from what may seem serious in the moment. With a momentary break from the immediate gravity of a situation, you may be able to return with more clarity later. I’m finding humor to be particularly healing right now. Whether you binge-watch a good comedy like The Office or brush up on some new jokes, it never hurts to get a little laughter in. There’s a reason it’s called comic relief!
A supportive community can also serve as a lifeline in highlighting a way through the conflict you hadn’t considered. Whether it’s an online community, colleagues or family members, sometimes bouncing your frustrations out on a neutral outsider may help you see the conflict from a fresh perspective.
Go below the surface
In our courses, we refer to something every mediator knows as the conflict iceberg. As the infographic shows, when there’s a conflict, we only know what is happening at the surface level. We see body language, stonewalling, arguments, fight-flight-freeze responses, etc. What’s really going on is not at the surface, however.
The opportunities to resolve the dispute are more likely if you can dig deeper. Below the proverbial tip of the iceberg is where you will discover what is really driving the conflict.
the best way to get below the iceberg is by listening.
Calm and open listening is a gift that can help heal the divide between people in conflict, as I discussed in this piece. Practice active listening techniques to encourage the other person to speak openly. When in doubt, try using silence. Keep a copy of our handy listening skills checklist at your desk or on your fridge.
In this article, I discuss what is at the core of most conflicts. The tip of the iceberg is just the presenting problem, not our real interests. So often, we will assume the worst in others and by doing so, we become paralyzed by fight, flight or freeze instincts. So many opportunities for positive resolutions are lost.
A little bit of faith in humanity goes a long way, as shared by some of the mediators I interviewed for this piece. I have learned that when I choose to believe others have the best of intentions and give them the benefit of the doubt, the ice between us melts.
Accept What You Can’t Change
So, perhaps you have exhausted all possible options for resolving the conflict. You have been patient. You have used active listening. You give them the benefit of the doubt and assume the best of intentions. You have offered respect, but they do not accept it.
In spite of your efforts, your opponent will not change.
As I mentioned in this article, sometimes the only option is to accept what is not in our control.
Any good mediator will tell you we cannot change other people. We cannot turn on a switch and alter someone’s mood. We cannot wave facts in front of someone and assume they will accept them. We cannot make someone let go of the fear of losing face. We cannot tell them to calm down. We will not change someone else’s values. We cannot force others to see through our lenses, any more than we can see through theirs.
That does not mean you have to give up. There are still options available.
Decide how much the conflict means to you.
What is your BATNA, or your best alternative to a negotiated agreement? What would you gain or lose by walking away? What if you forgive and forget? Could you shake hands? Call a truce? Change the subject? Move the goalposts? Shift your expectations? Reframe your demands? Consider your broader interests?
Even when mediation cases reach agreement, they don’t necessarily have closure.
Sometimes, instead of trying to resolve everything, you may be able to reach a partial agreement. In a previous article, a few professional mediators discussed the merits of compassionate detachment. It may just take one person to be the calm in the storm, in order for it to pass.
Sometimes, the best way to move forward is to simply respectfully disagree and carry on.
Instead of getting hooked by the other person, accept that you cannot change them and reframe your own approach with them.
consider mediation
Mediation has a very high success rate when disputants are unable to negotiate their own resolutions. If you are in a conflict that feels like a mountain of stress and none of these strategies I’ve outlined have worked for you, mediation may be your best bet.
A mediator is a third party interventionist who not only actively listens, but can help each individual discover hidden opportunities and highlight benefits to resolution you may not have believed possible. A good mediator is realistic and will not guarantee a perfect solution.
A mediation agreement does not mean everyone gets what they want. It does not mean everyone parts ways in complete bliss.
At a minimum, through the use of a mediator, you will likely come out with greater clarity and enlightened decisions. I would not still be mediating after a couple decades if my clients did not experience transformation. While I do not promise that engaging through each conflict is stress-free, moving beyond it is almost always a recipe for less stress.
Above all, if you are experiencing friction between those around you, rest assured, you are not alone.
Particularly during the global pandemic, tensions are running high. When we don’t know what the future holds, it is natural to feel on edge. As each day unfolds, we are asked to adapt to new circumstances. It can feel like we have lost control of our routines, our sense of normalcy and our relationships.
In such stressful times, we’re bound to run into conflict.
Conflict does not have to be permanent. There are ways to navigate through or around it.
As I said at the outset of this article, I wrote this as much for me as for you. I hope you find some of these options I have outlined useful. I would like to hear from you.
What strategies are you finding useful to manage conflicts in these stressful times?
Please share your ideas in the comments section below!
