Most people engage with our mediation services for conflicts involving communication problems. Poor listening is often at the epicenter of communication-related conflicts. After 25 years as a practicing mediator, I have compiled a list of “blocks” that get in the way of our ability to listen effectively. When I began diving into this subject, I realized there is more than one article’s worth of information share, so I’ve divided this subject into three parts. Here’s the good news: I have seen people build their listening skills and learn how to overcome these pitfalls. Under each listening block, I provide helpful tips on how to avoid them.
In this, the first of three articles, I list four of the blocks to effective listening I have identified. I invite you to share your experiences with any of these in the comments section.
Block #1: Distractions
By definition, distractions redirect our attention and prevent us from staying focused. They are the most obvious of the blocks to listening.
As jury consultant and best-selling author Jo-Ellan Dimitrius explains in Reading People, for effective listening, the turf matters. Noises, frenetic movement, interruptions by other people and uncomfortable room temperatures are examples of external distractions, often beyond our control. On the other hand, some external distractions we can control.
There’s an ancient proverb that if you chase after two rabbits, you will end up with none.
Multitasking, in other words, prevents us from actively listening to what someone is saying. Glancing at other people in the room, checking text messages or standing up to grab sugar for your coffee, also prevent us from giving our full attention to the speaker. Driving while trying to listen to someone on the phone is something many of us do without thinking, but we’re sacrificing our attention to at least one of those two important tasks.
We can become internally distracted by thoughts and emotions.
When we don’t feel well, physically or mentally, it can also be difficult to actively listen. Our ability to listen is also inhibited when we feel intimidated by the other person or don’t comprehend what they’re saying. Our perception of the message delivery impacts how we listen.
Tone, body language, or way of speaking can obscure what we hear.
Internal distractions also include reactions to hurtful or harmful statements, which are nearly impossible to ignore. Sometimes, they are intentional distractions.
Toni Morisson asserted “the very serious function of racism is distraction.”
When a speaker attempts to wield power over the listener through toxic distractions, the pathway to respectful dialogue is obstructed. It is the antithesis of nonviolent communication. I will discuss this more in a later article, under the derailment block.
Distractions are the most obvious, as well as prevalent, blocks to listening.
How to avoid distractions:
Try moving to a different location. Sometimes, as Dimitrius suggests, a change of venue is the best solution for effective listening.
How you are positioned matters, based on the speaker’s comfort level. Ideally, according to Dimitrius, you are directly in front of the speaker, so you can see and hear them clearly. If you are uncomfortable with face-to-face conversations, however, consider asking the speaker to walk with you. This same offer can be made if you sense the speaker is uneasy. With my three sons, as is the case with many males, they are often most talkative when we are walking or working side-by-side. Deborah Tannen calls this the “anchoring gaze.”
If distractions are unavoidable, but a topic requires your undivided attention, consider postponing the conversation on that particular matter. For example, if you’re in a coffee shop and your friend tells you she wants to leave her husband, it’s perfectly fine to say, “Wow, this is a huge topic. Why don’t you come to my place Saturday morning? There are a lot of distractions here. I imagine you have a lot on your mind and I want to be fully present for you.”
Some people listen better when doing “mindless” tasks such as doodling or knitting. If you and the listener agree on the selected activity, that may just be your listening sweet spot!
The digital world has impacted the way we communicate. When someone is speaking to you, try turning off your cell phone, computer, smartwatch or TV. Temporarily unplugging is a simple way to be a better listener. If you’re expecting a text or call from someone, politely give the speaker a fair warning. It’s far less distracting to anticipate an interruption than to be caught off-guard by someone picking up the phone during an intense conversation. If you’re supposed to meet someone, it may also help the speaker understand why you are glancing at the door, if it can’t be avoided.
If you are unable to concentrate on listening to the speaker, the least you can do is to be honest with them. Instead of letting the other person continue talking, it may be more respectful to explain that you’re struggling to focus at the moment.
If the conversation is based on an interpersonal conflict you have with the speaker, the conflict itself can be a distraction. Dudley Weeks, coined the notion of “conflict partnering,” employing many of the tips cited above for reducing distractions. Rosenberg also offers concrete advice for practicing compassionate listening in the midst of conflict.
In previous articles I’ve written, you can also see the value of silence, strategies for building your conflict resilience and tips on how to deal with toxic people.
Block #2: Giving Unsolicited Advice
Most of us want to be fixers of other people’s problems. We feel compelled to help make people whole.
Sure, you may have just the solutions. (Most likely, you don’t, however.)
The problem is, advising is not a form of listening.
In our mediation courses, we spend quite a bit of time unlearning our natural tendencies to advise parties. New mediators will exclaim, “I just want to offer a solution!”
it’s hard to stop ourselves from problem-solving.
In Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, Marilee Adams describes the “answer man” who is floundering in his executive leadership position until he discovers the profound value of moving from a “judger” to a “learner” mindset. As the title suggests, a learner knows how to ask good questions.
The best solutions lie in the right questions.
You don’t need to have all the answers to be a good listener. If someone is coming to you for advice, chances are, what they really want is for you to simply listen to them. Your unsolicited advice blocks your ability to hear what they really need.
How to avoid giving advice:
Ask open-ended questions. Dimitrius explains, “The open-ended question is an invitation to chat.” It takes some practice to use them effectively. Whenever you’re tempted to start a question with “why” or “what about” try reframing to “what” or “how.” There are many resources out there to help you increase your capacity to ask the right questions. One of my favorites is Change Your Questions, Change Your Life.
Perhaps you’re an expert in a particular subject matter and you feel confident enough to share your insights. To be a better listener, however, consider the value of emotional intelligence in relationships. According to Goleman, “EQ” self-awareness can be more important than IQ.
Drop the use of “you should” and similar advisory lines. When you’re tempted to give advice, consider the question posed in The Art of Possibility, “How much greatness are we willing to grant?” Try assuming the speaker is the expert at finding optimum solutions to his own problem. Most likely, the best advice for the speaker rests within them. They’re just looking for someone to illuminate the options within their own reality. You can only do this by listening effectively.
Reflect key points the person made, to highlight solutions you hear them give. Chances are, they missed them. Simply say something like, “I heard you say you wish you had asked your boss for an exit interview. How would that have been helpful?” It may be tempting to say, “I think that’s a great idea, why don’t you do that?” Don’t give into the urge to add your evaluation of options.
If the person is pushing for advice from you, Rosenberg suggests you seek permission before actually offering it. Skilled mediators refrain from offering advice, but if the person is stuck, we may offer a menu of options to consider, in the spirit of brainstorming.
Block #3: Making Assumptions
When you find yourself reading between the lines and drawing conclusions, you have entered the block of assuming. We make assumptions about statements, tone of voice and body language.
Assumptions are often based on biases.
It is human nature to have biases. According to Howard J. Ross, they are fundamental to our survival and identity. They can be positive or negative.
Biases can lead to misperceptions.
The ladder of inference, a concept developed by organizational psychologist Chris Argyris, highlights the mental process we use from the moment we receive information to our decisions or actions.
We may think we are rational, however the way we perceive reality is shaped by our history, experiences and beliefs.
As demonstrated in the infographic on the left, we can get caught into a reflexive loop. This can lead us to miss factual details.
Jumping to conclusions clouds our ability to listen accurately.
Biases may be based on familiarity on some level, for example, with a spouse, parent or sibling. As Ross explains, we fall into patterns of selective attention with those closest to us.
They can be useful, helping us anticipate what someone is feeling or thinking. Established relationships feed into our unconscious mind and shape our perceptions.
Selective attention can also result in prejudice.
Prejudice is the impact our biases can have on others.
This notion is explained succinctly in this video. Biases can be conscious or unconscious. If unchecked, they can result in destructive stereotyping and discrimination.
Whether intentional or unintentional, when making assumptions we are not fully listening.
Tips to avoid making assumptions:
Know your biases! I encourage you to take at least one of Harvard’s free implicit bias tests here. I have students in our mediation courses take them. Most will tell me they felt uncomfortable taking them, but later most will tell me how useful the test is in developing the self-awareness described in Emotional Intelligence.
Review any “distress-triggering views” you may have of the speaker. Goleman explains these toxic thoughts build destructive patterns that filter into assumptions and misunderstanding.
Become familiar with the ladder of inference, which you can use to minimize false conclusions. It can help you make wiser decisions and improve your ability to listen more effectively.
When you recognize that you’ve slipped into making assumptions about what is said or how the person is communicating, try something out of William Ury’s playbook: go to the balcony. Take a deep breath and imagine you are an outside observer.
Block #4: Toxic positivity
Happiness is in the air! Advice abounds to be a positive person. So, how can positivity be negative, you ask?
When you discount someone’s negative emotions, you are not listening.
Brené Brown explains that instead of drawing the person closer, it drives them away. Pointing out silver linings, telling someone it could be worse, or “at least you’re not dying,” are examples of toxic positivity. Sure, you demonstrate sympathy, but you are not offering empathy.
Minimizing someone’s pain is the opposite of empathy.
In Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved, professor Kate Bowler calls this “the tyranny of prescriptive joy.” In spite of the “listener’s intentions, telling someone to “look on the bright side” when they really need you to listen has also been shown to actually intensify the negative emotions.
Much like unsolicited advice, toxic positivity is certainly a block to listening.
How to avoid toxic positivity:
When you feel tempted to tell someone to change the way they feel, instead try restating, reflecting and validating their emotions.
Communication expert, Marshall B. Rosenberg, reminds us that instead of minimizing, we can “defuse stress by empathizing” with the speaker.
Connection is the best prescription for making someone feel better, according to Brené Brown. If the circumstances are right, and your intuition tells you the speaker would welcome it, try reaching out with the touch of your hand or a hug. According to Blum, research has shown that, “food is sustenance but a good hug is life itself.”
If you’re uncomfortable with someone’s negative emotions or you’re at a loss for words, try silence. It’s the best advice my grandma ever gave me.
You can also try nodding to show understanding and that you’re paying attention.
Recognizing that toxic positivity can be a form of advice-giving, review the tips under that section.
When I began writing about the blocks to listening, I realized there was so much to say, I decided to break them into three separate articles. This is the first of the three. Perhaps you can relate to some of these blocks to listening. Maybe you can already anticipate some of the others I will be covering in future articles.
What is your experience with these blocks to listening?
Please note them in the comments section at the end of this article. Also, if you can think of additional tips on how to avoid some of the blocks to listening identified in this article, I invite you to share, so we can learn from one another.
