Most people fear conflict, propelling us into default fight-or-flight defense responses. So, how do seasoned mediators, who work directly with people in conflicts, manage their own emotions? I asked a few highly-respected mediators to share practices they use to stay calm when conflicts get tense. These tips can be applied outside the context of mediation, to help anyone feel better prepared for conflict situations.
With input from those colleagues, I have identified the following five powerful strategies mediators use to keep cool in the heat of conflict.
STRATEGY #1: Self-awareness
As with almost any profession, expertise requires a high level of self-awareness. Because we deal with conflict, most mediators are tuned into their own emotional triggers.
“Emotions in the room are definitely an area that mediators struggle with. Anger, fear, sadness, worry are all emotions I have felt with clients,” admits Sunny Sassaman, former president of the Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR) and owner of Common Ground Mediation Services.
“When a client calls me out on my emotional reaction — I own it!” Sunny Sassaman, Common Ground Mediation Services
Law professor and equal opportunity specialist with the US Department of Housing and Urban Development, Woody Colbert, told me of a mediation case involving sexual assault and public accommodations that initially challenged his impartiality.
For starters, he was resentful of the way the case was handed to him, “The case was originally assigned to one of my colleagues who asked to be recused from the case for personal reasons of not being able to handle the emotional issues (a poor excuse from a professional).”
Then, he learned the complainant had a history of deception, dismissed cases, substance abuse, and other emotional issues. Recognizing his gut reactions to the case were initially clouding his impartiality, Colbert said, “I was faced with a very difficult decision and wrestled with everything I had been taught about ethics, self-inventory, and bias. As a Dispute Resolution instructor at the graduate level, I was reminded how often I had lectured to students about doing the right thing in the face of adversity. Long story short, after months of interviewing, evidence gathering, and negotiation, the case was settled with relief for the complainant.”
Our emotional triggers are shaped by our experiences, assumptions and biases.
We can be our own worst enemies in the face of adversity. If you believe you have to give up your instincts to improve the way you handle intense emotions, you’re missing the point.
It takes practice to develop our unique best responses to the crying spouse, outraged attorney, or overbearing supervisor. Trial and error is what determines own comfort levels in conflict. As with anything, we learn best from the errors.
I always tell new mediators, that entering the field is like learning a new language. Remaining calm when emotions run high demands self-reflection and humility.
Mediators become “fluent” in conflict engagement, not because we don’t make mistakes, but because we overcome our fears of making them.
After taking three calming breaths, Sassaman does a quick self-assessment, “to make sure that I am not being triggered by my own issues, and when a client calls me out on my emotional reaction — I own it! With empathy, redirect back to the issues and needs of the clients. Mediators are humans, not robots.”
Awareness of our human limitations, as well as those of clients who come to us with their conflicts, is one strategy mediators rely on to remain calm when emotions are flying.
STRATEGY #2: Faith in Humanity
Successful mediators are very intentional about client self-determination. This is the first and, arguably the most fundamental, tenet of the Model Standards of Conduct for Mediators. By relying on these ethical standards, mediators can create a respectful space for emotional vulnerability and security.
“I constantly remind myself that it is not ‘my’ issue.” Ronald Williams, attorney
Mediators don’t rescue parties. Mediator and executive coach, Laura Atwood, affirms that to be most effective in supporting emotional clients, she will, “hold focus on the distinction between caring for someone and taking care of them.”
Mediators BELIEVE THE BEST FUTURE IS CREATED BY THE CLIENT.
Each party brings unique narratives about the origins of a given conflict. Successful mediators foster client ownership of the conflict, as well as the path to a possible resolution. The most elegant solutions can only emerge from the parties’ understanding of what is possible.
Attorney Ronald Williams, who is also an ACR Board member, shared that in his mediation practice, “I constantly remind myself that it is not ‘my’ issue.”
Perhaps, more importantly, mediators see purpose in emotions.
When clients become emotional, Atwood says, “I’m comfortable just sitting respectfully in the presence of their emotions, and when the moment is right, simply acknowledging them as significant. I might just say something like ‘Wow, I can see how important that is for you. What’s that about?’”
Williams agrees, “When emotions run high, I find it beneficial to remember that in conflict it is important that participants are able to express their feelings/emotions in an effort to move beyond them… It may take some time to move forward, but their feelings/emotions need to be addressed.”
While it may seem counterintuitive, mediators don’t minimize emotions, we acknowledge them.
For Atwood, “strong emotions are just a source of information. I think of them as a big neon, flashing sign that says, ‘This is important, inquire here!’”
Emotions illuminate the rational interests lurking below the surface of the conflict iceberg. When conflict becomes especially tense, what parties desire most is for the mediator — or anyone — to acknowledge their feelings.
Acknowledgement is a soothing balm for raging emotions.
People become calmer when they feel heard, validated and understood. Experience enables mediators to sharpen emotional intelligence and trust people.
Faith in humanity can serve as an anchor when entering a conflict storm.
Atwood shared, “When I hold a firm belief that they are fully capable and resourceful human beings, I’m less likely to cry along with someone, or feel a need to calm them down. I let them take care of themselves. (I always have tissues on a table, but I’ll never hand someone a tissue.)”
STRATEGY #3: Resilience
From a solid belief in that tenet of self-determination flows resilience. Few mediators enter the field because they are inherently conflict-resilient. In fact, as I mentioned in this article, most new mediators (like most humans) fear conflict. So how do we get from fearful to fearless?
Rigorous training, practice and adherence to high standards builds resilience.
Atwood agrees, “For me it starts with mindset and intentions. It’s all about focusing on and maintaining my commitment to professionalism, and to supporting my clients to the best of my ability.”
“A disciplined meditation practice nourishes resilience.” Roger Moss, Conflict Intervention Service
It’s not that mediators become desensitized to emotions in conflict. On the contrary, asserts Roger Moss, manager of Conflict Intervention Service, an innovative program that prevents eviction among vulnerable people, “A disciplined meditation practice nourishes resilience.”
As mediators experience clients’ capacity to work through fierce, raw emotions, our apprehension subsides.
In addition to benefiting our clients, conflict resilience is a beautiful side benefit to being a seasoned mediator. Few professions afford the opportunity to enrich our empathy, listening skills, and compassion.
STRATEGY #4: Compassionate Detachment
So if mediators offer empathy, active listening, and compassion, how do we keep from getting hooked by raging emotions? Impartiality, the second model standard of conduct for mediators, is key.
“I’m a better thought partner when I maintain compassionate detachment.” Laura Atwood, Adler Learning USA
Technically speaking, impartiality means treating all parties equally. Most mediators I speak to aim for a blend of multipartiality, or taking the side of each party in order to deepen our empathy and understanding, while also distancing ourselves emotionally.
Dealing with heightened emotions, according to Roger Moss, “requires real work to stay detached.”
Laura Atwood explains, “I can’t help them if I wade into the stream of their emotions alongside them. I’m a better thought partner when I maintain compassionate detachment. I aspire to be the calm eye in the center of a storm.”
Family mediator, Baroness Juliane von Schmeling, borrows one calming strategy from sports. With profound empathy for clients, she recognizes emotional venting is going to happen because “my office is the only place where one can safely or openly address the other party.” She intently listens and watches her clients’ body language. “When I notice that we are crossing a line or one party is starting to white-knuckle or clench a fist, then I intervene.”
Telling someone to stop being emotional will never work.
Instead, Von Schmeling uses the time-out hand signal. I have also found this gentle intervention to work marvelously. For some reason, most people respond positively and welcome the break to cool off.
As I discussed in this article, a change in venue may be the break some people need. Moss has found with some clients, “The natural landscape is a great tool to restore calm to a contentious session. Take people for a walk.”
Moss told me about an “insanely aggravated real estate dispute” which settled after he met in the park with one of the parties. He explained, “the outdoor environment helped him stay calm enough to understand why settling was in his best interests.”
Ron Williams also reminds us, “Silence can be a great equalizer.”
When words and actions aren’t enough to calm us, my grandmother taught me, “There’s a reason the words listen and silent have the same letters.”
Laura Atwood’s goal of “compassionate detachment” is paramount to restoring calm in the midst of intense emotions.
STRATEGY #5: Self-care
There are times when it may not be practical to take a deep breath or call a time-out during a mediation session. This is why it is essential for mediators to prepare before and unwind after mediation sessions with self-care practices.
Let me tell you about my first mediation in Grinnell, Iowa, in the mid-1990s. I was to co-mediate with a highly-respected attorney-mediator. We both arrived about 30 minutes before the session was to begin. He asked me if I wanted to meditate (yes, that’s meditate, with a “t”) with him. I awkwardly sat in silence, half-heartedly closing my eyes, very uncertain about how to behave. As you’d imagine, when the parties arrived, he was calm and I was a bundle of nerves. At one point, I apparently let out a sympathetic sigh, revealing my bias toward one of the parties. My co-mediator immediately kicked me under the desk and requested a caucus -- with me! He kindly asked me to just observe for the rest of the session. Yikes!
When we debriefed, he explained that mediation taught him the value of using mindfulness techniques before meeting clients. I benefited from strategies he shared with me.
Instead of reading the parties’ briefs, I focus first on my own breath.
Don’t believe me? Do a quick search on the connection between meditation and mediation. Research linking the two practices abounds from the world’s top mediators.
Roger Moss confirms, “Taking a five-minute time-out to sit quietly quickly restores equilibrium, especially if one meditates fairly regularly. So advance work is the best defense to an emotional calamity during a meeting.”
When tensions rise in mediation, Sunny Sassaman and Roger Moss rely on cleansing breaths. Moss said when he feels particularly challenged by a client’s toxic behavior, he recites a line from the Prayer of St. Francis, “Lord, grant that I make seek understanding, rather than to be understood.”
Dr. Jennifer Wilhoit recommends nature-based writing for mediators. The process encourages spontaneity, flexibility, creativity, and honesty. Being outdoors can release tension and evoke introspection. Research supports the calming value of expressive writing. When clients ask me how they should prepare for mediation, I recommend journaling before they come to each session.
Whenever I work with highly emotional cases, I practice post-mediation self-care by channeling John Coffey, a fictional character in The Green Mile. As I drive away from the mediation, I roll down the windows and release toxicity I have carried with me, as Coffey did, with a long, cathartic breath. If some of that negative energy still lingers, I may even sing at the top of my lungs. Singing can restore our sense of happiness. It’s a perfect calming after a storm. I literally feel the tension leave my body and the car as I drive away.
So, what strategies are best for you?
Sure, fear is our most natural response to conflict. Unlearning that instinctive fight-or-flight response doesn’t happen overnight. The experts I spoke with have built their skills through years of training, practice, and discipline in the field of mediation.
That being said, we all entered the field with some degree of conflict aversion.
I believe it is possible for anyone to learn how to stay calm when conflicts get tense. Whether you are a mediator, considering a career in mediation or you are simply curious about how mediators keep their cool in conflicts, I bet you already practice at least one of these strategies in your daily life. Or perhaps you have additional strategies?
Please share your thoughts in the comments section below!
