Listening problems are at the heart of most communication-related conflicts. My first article on this topic covered four blocks to listening: distractions, unsolicited advice, assumptions and toxic positivity. In this piece, the second in a series, I discuss six more blocks to effective listening: rehearsing, filtering, derailing, defensiveness, judging and comparing.
While most of us have used blocks identified in this series, I offer strategies for avoiding each one.
Block #5: Rehearsing Your Response
Your friend Jenn is excited to share pictures of her new puppy. Jenn eagerly tells you details about the adoption while flipping through the pictures with you. You are suddenly flooded with memories of Sadie, the adorable pug you raised and loved.
Your mind wanders something like this:
“I miss Sadie. She went with my ex, Brad. What is Brad up to these days? Does he still work at the same place? Hey, Jen sees him now and then. I’ll ask her about him. Oh, wait, she’s still talking...”
While you may not have interrupted, you have stopped listening.
Your thought bubble carries on as your friend is talking. You have the best of intentions by not interrupting your friend. Impatient and afraid you’ll forget what you wanted to say, you make a mental checklist of what you’ll say after your friend finishes speaking.
You’re not paying attention.
We’ve all done this. The messages you are rehearsing in your mind become blocks to listening.
How to avoid rehearsing your responses:
Jot those interrupting thoughts down. As a mediator, I do this. I also suggest to clients that if they feel the urge to interrupt the other party, make a quick note, then return attention to the conversation. This can work in almost any context. Perhaps you really want to talk about your ex with Jenn, but do so after she’s shared her story.
Let it go. Give the speaker your full attention and listen with compassion.
Listen to your own feelings and needs. Perhaps you feel guilty because you’re unable to focus on your friend. If so, be honest with your friend. Or perhaps you need to work on building your emotional intelligence if you frequently pulled off-track.
Block #6: Filtering
Negative self-talk is a listening block through which we filter what we “hear” through narrow messaging our mind creates.
Examples of limiting self-talk include:
“This is over my head. I can’t possibly comprehend.”
“He must think I’m stupid.”
“I’ve not done anything with my life.”
“But what about my problems?”
“She must think I’m a terrible person.”
“I feel so inadequate.”
“I am unprepared for this conversation.”
“He’s questioning my judgement.”
“I can rescue her!”
Much like when we rehearse, our own thoughts become blocks to listening.
When filtering, we process information through a cascade of limiting thoughts and beliefs.
How to avoid filtering:
To borrow from the title of a chapter in Emotional Intelligence, “Know thyself.” Tuning into our subconscious feelings and thoughts, “can have a powerful impact on how we perceive and react, even though we have no idea they are at work.” Test your listening skills with this checklist to build your listening self-awareness.
So much of our negative self-talk is a result of upbringing, culture and context. It shapes how we see the world around us. By separating evaluation from observation, Rosenberg suggests we can free ourselves from self-limiting beliefs.
Using mindfulness techniques, outlined in physician Alex Lickerman’s book, The Undefeated Mind, can also clear the inner negativity that gets in the way of listening.
Practice becoming comfortable with silence and asking open-ended questions to get back on track and clear the filtering blocks.
Block #7: Derailing
When you divert the conversation so that you’re onto a new topic, you’ve employed another classic block to listening: derailment.
To derail means “to obstruct the progress” of something. By doing so, you have effectively hijacked the conversation and stopped listening. Intentional or not, derailment sidelines the speaker.
Derailment is often used to marginalize OTHERS.
For example, in a boardroom, a man may look at other males in the room and crack a sexist joke while a woman is speaking, to intentionally detract from what she is saying. It is a way of taking control of a conversation. Most women I know have experienced this at some point.
Cultural or sports references that leave the speaker out, derail conversations.
Deborah Tannen discusses derailment also happens when a “listener” over-explains or lectures about a subject matter the speaker was trying to discuss.
While this tactic is commonly referred to as “mansplaining,” Tannen asserts, “Men as well as women sometimes find themselves on the receiving end of a lecture they would as soon not hear.”
It’s unwelcomed and unnecessary.
Ramping up from conversation to debate is also a form of derailment.
My sons, pictured here with my mom, went to a high school that encouraged Socratic debate. It provided them with confidence and a strong foundation in philosophy. One problem with this, however, is they sometimes transform conversations into challenges. They’ve been known to frustrate speakers and side-track conversations. As they mature into young men, they recognize this tendency. I’ve noticed they tend to just banter with one another, often into the wee hours, versus steering conversations with Grandma Sue off the rails.
Perhaps you’re only challenging their ideas, but to them it feels like an ambush.
Not everyone thrives on competition. In fact, many people feel threatened. When provoked, such individuals will just stop talking.
Also, some “debates” are based on false logic.
One example is using a straw-man fallacy, whereby you attack what the person is saying by bringing up an unrelated argument, thereby taking the topic off-track. Introducing hypotheticals are also examples of derailment blocks. I recently heard someone protest the use of comfort animals with, “So, should every restaurant allow snakes now?” This argument derailed a conversation on mental health issues to a completely new agenda.
Derailment is toxic on so many levels, whether or not the “listener” is aware or intending to block the speaker. By derailing the conversation, you cannot listen to what the speaker is trying to say.
How to avoid derailing:
Pay attention to the speaker’s reactions. They may take offense, feel marginalized or challenged. If so, you are not listening to them.
Ask yourself if anyone is left out by what you are saying. To be effective in communication, Rosenberg advises we offer compassion and empathy to the speaker.
Block #8: Defensiveness
Sometimes that knee-jerk reaction to something the speaker is saying is hard to avoid. It is usually a subconscious response.
Defensiveness is a form of “emotional hijacking”
More specifically, the amygdala, Golemen explains, is a part of our brain responsible for emotions. It is part of the limbic system, which takes care of our learning and memory. When it senses crisis or danger, the amygdala can overtake our actions and send us into fight, flight or freeze mode.
While difficult to control, defensiveness can be a conversation killer.
It diverts attention away from the speaker and onto you. Body language, as well as words, can convey defensive rage. It can seem “loud” to the speaker, regardless of volume or what you say.
How to avoid defensiveness:
As Golemen asserts, “The most powerful form of nondefensive listening, of course, is empathy: actually hearing the feelings behind what is being said.” Review the listening skills checklist for tips on how you can do this better.
Instead of worrying about what the person thinks or feels about us, Rosenberg advises we listen to what they are needing. Consideration for the underlying issues helps us focus on what the person is saying instead of the person’s impact on us.
Instead of being a victim, in The Art of Possibility, Zander encourages us to “be the board” on which the game is played. This practice helps us feel a sense of self-control and on-track. It asks us to accept personal responsibility for our reactions.
Block #9: Judging
As with many other blocks to listening, we evaluate what we hear as good or bad, right or wrong. As Adams asserts, “We are all recovering judgers.”
Judgement can be blatant, such as, “Why did you say that?”
Or it can be subtle, such as, “Oh, that’s just not a color I would choose this time of year.”
Judgement isn’t always negative.
We offer praise, which is a form of evaluation as well, such as, “That is a good idea.”
It may seem generous, but it’s still a judgement.
You are also being judgmental if you find yourself starting a sentence with, “At least…”
As Brené Brown beautifully explains in this video, such a statement discounts the pain someone is feeling and can be hurtful.
We judge others based on our history with the person or our underlying assumptions about what they are saying.
The “judger mindset” is limiting.
It is the opposite of good judgement and effective listening.
How to avoid judging:
Adopt a “learner mindset,” which, as Adams teaches, is curious and open to new information. The learner asks open-ended questions.
Try Dimitrius’ S.P.E.E.D. approach to making snap-judgements, when a situation calls for it: Scan, Pare, Enlarge, Evaluate and Decide. She advises using the approach carefully and sparingly.
Keep your focus on the issue and not the person. This will help you stay engaged in actively listening to what they say.
Be mindful of your choice of words, tone and body language when responding to avoid conveying a sense of disapproval or evaluation.
Block #10: Comparing
We’ve all done this: Listen for a little bit to what the speaker says and compare it to a familiar experience.
I observe this listening block used by clients in mediation as well as in everyday conversations among friends and family. Particularly in group discussions, I have noticed people drawing comparisons, almost unconsciously, creating a stream-of-consciousness string of stories.
It can make for a lively conversation. Or it can frustrate someone who needs you to listen.
We divert the focus from the speaker’s story ONto ours.
I’ll come clean: I’m aware this is one of my weaknesses.
In fact, recently, a friend told me with excitement her daughter is engaged. I asked a few questions about the proposal. I mentioned it seemed so many friends our age have kids who are getting married now. My friend nodded and agreed. Without realizing it, I mentioned there seem to be a lot of weddings in our lives. Next thing, we were talking about how expensive weddings are these days. I later realized I didn’t let my friend fully share her excitement with me. Not only did I miss the opportunity to hear more about her daughter's upcoming plans, I also did not extend to her my full attention.
The use of comparisons can build a wall of listening blocks.
Overtaking a conversation with a comparison can be deflating to the speaker. Instead of asking exploratory questions, we employ other blocks described earlier, such as distracting, rehearsing and derailing.
The comparison wall says to the speaker, “I’ll take it from here.”
I told my friend I was writing this article and apologized for hijacking that conversation. She replied, “Ha ha! I didn’t even notice that.”
Lucky for me, my friend did not feel blocked (or she was just being generous with me).
While the motivation behind your comparisons may not be any of the other blocks, the speaker may assume otherwise. If someone needs to feel heard, a comparison takes that opportunity away. This can lead to conflict, hurt and misunderstanding.
How to avoid comparing:
In the book, Difficult Conversations, Stone, Patton and Heen remind us, “There’s only one way to come to understand the other person’s story, and that’s by being curious.” Adams reminds us that curiosity emanates from an open learner mindset.
Asking open-ended questions expands the conversation and shifts the focus back to the speaker.
If you have a tendency to compare, as I do, reflect on your emotional intelligence.
It is likely you read this list (or the previous one, here) and have recalled situations where you were blocked by someone else.
Perhaps you cringe, thinking of times in which you used ONE OF THESE listening blockS.
If so, you are in good company. If you are like the rest of us, you may find this handy listening skills checklist helpful. I receive emails on an almost daily basis from readers who tell me they have found it valuable.
So, now that I’ve come clean with some of my own weaknesses, how are you feeling about your own listening skills?
I welcome your comments below!
