During a global crisis, it can be difficult to find the goodness around us. The Covid-19 pandemic has forced us to encounter the harsh realities of its medical, financial, and emotional impact. There’s a distant nag to focus on opportunities that will arise from a seemingly never-ending season of isolation. Some of us may feel guilty about seeking silver linings, but they may just be key to getting us through crises.
Before the pandemic brought everyday life to a halt, Interaction Management Associates started a book club. We began reading The Art of Possibility. This timely book provides practical steps for readers to increase their ability to identify and act upon possibility.
By making a few changes in our mindsets, the authors demonstrate how we can expand opportunities. Not only can we create possibility in our own lives, but also the potential to have a greater positive impact on those around us.
The authors of The Art of Possibility, Rosamund Stone Zander and Benjamin Zander, complement one another both in their marriage and respective careers. Rosamund’s expertise is in creating teaching material for leadership development and Benjamin serves as a conductor for the Boston Philharmonic. This book is impactful for leaders, communicators, teachers, students, and everyone in between. Among the many adjustments that the Zanders encourage readers to implement, in this review I dive into the authors’ advice on how to give way to possibility by “giving an A.”
Giving yourself an A
Our society is set up for competition. Beginning with elementary education, we are rewarded with top grades for “good” performance. Children are encouraged to vie for validation of teachers. Those not recognized by this system eventually grow discouraged with the notion that a grade could define us. Some, perhaps in rebellion, decide to liberate ourselves from that constraint and a system that excludes us. Others will simply give up on their ability to excel.
Whatever your relationship was or is to grades, Zander and Zander provide tangible strategies to change our mindset to not only benefit ourselves but also those around us.
The general concept of giving an A entails focusing on the person you want to become, instead of comparing yourself and others to those around you. This is essential to providing an opportunity for possibility.
Starting with an A artfully frees us to experience possibilities.
Benjamin Zander discusses the practice of having his students write a letter at the beginning of the year from the perspective of their future-self, explaining why they deserved an A in the course. The letter provides a space for students to imagine what their life would like if they gave themselves an A. They explored what they would need to do for themselves to achieve an A.
In the classroom setting this resulted in students reflecting on the quality of work that they put into the class, their understanding of mistakes, where they found their value, and more importantly, the motives and intentions behind their actions. Rather than being stuck in their present self-limiting thoughts, this practice forced students to conjure up an image of the self they would be proud of in the future. The future was defined by the end of the course, but their timelines would be self-defined.
When we have a clear idea of who we want to become we slowly begin to remove what is hindering us from becoming that individual.
What if we stop giving ourselves and others around us a grade? Perhaps we could break the toxic inclination toward comparison and measurement. Zander and Zander explain that “this A is not an expectation to live up to, but a possibility to live into .”
In our own lives, perhaps it is time to begin recognizing, through reflection, what is hindering each of us from giving ourselves an A-grade.
Don’t we owe ourselves at least a satisfactory mark?
Giving others an A
Now it is important to look beyond what this “giving an A” mindset shift would do for ourselves and examine how it could positively impact those around us, and beyond. Giving others an A transforms how we approach one another.
Simply put, according to the authors, “The freely granted A expresses a vision of partnership, teamwork, and relationship. It is for wholeness and functionality, in the awareness that for each of us, excess stone may still hide the graceful from within .”
Even in dysfunction, it is possible to shape functionality as reality.
By allowing others to reimagine themselves and partnering with them in working towards that person they want to become, we foster harmony. It is much easier to recognize the opportunities when we feel supported. Personally, I am motivated and inspired when people affirm my strengths. Who isn’t?
Instead of being critical, when we start by giving someone an A, it affirms their strengths. It also acknowledges the value you place in seeing that person embody their potential and pursue their passion.
Think about it, you have the power to give way to the possibility of others.
When we give someone an A, we see their value as an individual. Instead of sizing them up for flaws, they enter our world whole. It is easier to be concerned about how a complete person is doing emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We want to ensure they are thriving. It is difficult to overlook that A-grade individual, because we believe in who they are right now and who they wish to become.
We have a choice to look at the strengths in a person and highlight those or meditate on their weaknesses, or less desirable traits. The latter leaves everyone miserable.
A significant portion of making way for possibility is reinventing how we interpret and understand the world in which we engage. Each of us interprets situations differently, implying that there is an opportunity to change how we come to understand our unique experiences. The art of invention is necessary to giving others an A. Zander and Zander discuss that “The practice of giving the A both invents and recognizes a universal desire in people to contribute to others, no matter how many barriers there are to its expression .”
The shift from comparison and measurement to possibility releases us from believing that others are threatening our success.
This transformative process naturally encourages partnership, compassion and collaboration. The skeptic in me jumps to questioning the possibility of such a radical shift. What if the system I am operating within does not encourage or welcome this “everyone gets an A” mindset? What if my livelihood is tied to my ability to outperform my colleagues? What if my future is determined by who wins and who loses?
If you share this pessimism, fear not, Zander and Zander puts to rest these concerns. They remind you that you are in control of the narrative. You are in control of reality, the story that you create about a person, including yourself. Zander provides an example of a time he was conducting in front of an audience. A breakthrough occurred when “[he] had given [his] audience an A and invented them as colleagues, they were precisely the people with whom [he] wanted to converse, and [he] was exactly where [he] wanted to be.”
Suddenly, the narrative shifts when we give people an A from the outset, because we allow a vision of “partnership, teamwork, and relationship” to be cast.
Imagine a world, a household or an office that operates with just a few people giving an A to themselves and those around them. What could an A-grade mindset do heal divisions and unite communities? The transformative positivity offers unlimited possibilities!
Giving an A in conflicts
Whether you are in a conflict with someone or you are mediating a conflict, giving an A can be revolutionary. Conflict often seems unmovable. We have all been in situations where a resolution feels like an impossibility. Disrespect interrupts communication. It’s easy to assume there’s a stalemate. A fight-or-flight scenario erupts. What begins as a simple disagreement can feel as though it has escalated beyond manageability. Instead of engaging through it, we walk away from what we believe is an impasse.
Mediators can play a powerful role in conflicts, because we can see opportunity from a unique vantage point. Well-trained mediators give way to possibility through techniques such as reflection, open-ended questions and expressing empathy. Mediators facilitate a partnership between the parties to highlight the pathway toward resolution.
Rather than imposing our own expectations on the parties, mediators patiently await for the ideal moment to summarize possibilities illuminated by the parties themselves.
By doing so, mediators provide an opening for disputants to give one another, as well as themselves, an A. Instead of mediation as a win/lose battle, it becomes a platform to optimize solutions for everyone around the negotiation table.
Now, what if you participated in interpersonal conflicts as a mediator would? What if you fine-tuned your listening skills and reframed your approach to conflict? Instead of seeing the conflict as a limitation to getting what you want, what if you viewed it as a pathway to reaching a solution that expands understanding and opportunities for everyone? Giving yourself, as well as your opponent, an A from the moment the conflict erupts means you believe in a shared potential for a better outcome.
A challenge for you
As we sit in our homes, this is a perfect time to reflect on who we want to be right now, in this crisis. Some of us are typing away at our computers all day. Many of us have adapted to professionalizing our upper body dress code for virtual meetings with colleagues. Some of us trying to juggle the new reality of sharing our workspace with other family members. Unable to find a way to physically escape the confines of this new normal, we can feel stressed. Conflicts are no doubt exacerbated by these new circumstances. It’s easy to go down a rabbit hole of negativity. But what if we started with an A, right now, today?
I challenge you to give your future self an A.
Reflect on who you want to be once the pandemic is long over.
Who would you be proud of?
How will you honor yourself?
How do you offer yourself grace in these unnerving times?
If you want to get fancy, write a letter giving yourself an A. Consider a certain milestone or date in the future.
The A you are granting yourself should not be a measurement or comparison, but an opportunity to live into possibility.
Next, I challenge you to begin giving your coworkers and family members an A.
What would your life look like if you gave each one an A?
How would each coworker or family member respond if you gave them an A?
How can you avoid making it an expectation to live up to and rather a possibility to embrace?
And for those of you who mediate conflicts:
How will you choose to communicate the ability for everyone in the mediation session to give themselves an A?
How can you foster an environment where each party gives the other an A?
How will you give each party an A?
Possibility awaits! Will you seize it and help others along the way?
I look forward to seeing your thoughts in the comments section of this article.
