In today's fast-paced and interconnected world, the ability to communicate effectively is essential. However, most of us are often more focused on expressing our thoughts and providing solutions to others' problems than we are on truly understanding what they are saying. Contrary to popular belief, advising is not a form of listening. In fact, it can escalate a person’s frustrations and lead to conflict. As any good mediator will tell you, the best way to help others is often to stop giving advice and start actively listening. In this article, we will explore the power of active listening, the pitfalls of giving advice, and the various strategies you can employ to become a better listener.
The Importance of Active Listening
As we have pointed out in countless articles, active listening is a crucial skill to develop in order to foster meaningful and productive communication. It involves not only hearing the words that another person is saying but also understanding the meaning behind what is said (or not said) and recognizing emotions being conveyed.
Though we may think we have the right solutions, most of the time, giving advice is not a form of listening. This is why we dedicate a lot of time in mediation courses to unlearn the urge to advise and improve active listening skills. In fact, in IMA training, we often joke that active listening is a mediator’s superpower!
By practicing active listening, you can:
Build trust and rapport: By truly listening to someone without interrupting or jumping in with solutions, you demonstrate that you respect their thoughts and feelings. This can help strengthen relationships and build trust between individuals.
Gain a deeper understanding: Active listening allows you to gain a better understanding of what someone is going through, their emotions, and their perspectives. This can lead to more informed decisions and improved problem-solving abilities.
Prevent misunderstandings: By paying close attention to what someone is saying and seeking clarification when necessary, you can avoid misunderstandings and misinterpretations that could potentially harm relationships.
Facilitate personal growth: Active listening promotes self-awareness and encourages personal growth by helping individuals reflect on their feelings and experiences.
Why Giving Advice Can Be Detrimental
We cannot help ourselves, most of us are “fixers” who want to help others when they come to us for advice. We naturally want to look at the problem they are experiencing through on our own lens and try to resolve it.
Although our intentions may be good when we offer advice, doing so can actually create more harm than help. Conflict resolution expert, Robert Bolton, considers advice “a roadblock in interpersonal communication.” When someone claims to be seeking advice, they often only want someone to listen. Unsolicited advice can block their ability to realize what they need.
Here are a few reasons why giving advice can be counterproductive:
It can inhibit communication: When we provide advice, we may inadvertently send the message that we don't believe the other person is capable of solving their own problems. This can create feelings of inadequacy and discourage open communication.
It can foster dependence: By constantly offering solutions, we may inadvertently create a dependency in which the other person relies on us for answers rather than developing their problem-solving skills. This is one of many reasons why a mediator does not give advice: we believe in empowering the parties to make their own decisions. Besides, if the advice does not work out well, who do you think they will blame?
It can lead to misunderstandings: When we give advice, we often base our recommendations on our own experiences and perspectives. However, our experiences may not be relevant to the other person's situation, leading to potential misunderstandings and misguided solutions.
It can hinder personal growth: By providing advice, we may prevent the other person from reflecting on their experiences and emotions, which is essential for personal growth and self-awareness.
Strategies for Better Listening
Marilee Adams described in her book, Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, about how one “answer man” transformed from a “judger” to a “learner” mindset. A learner knows how to ask the right questions and can uncover the best solutions without having to give direct advice.
To become a better listener, consider implementing some of the following strategies:
Focus on the Speaker
Give the speaker your full attention by eliminating distractions, offering your own silence and maintaining appropriate eye contact. This will demonstrate that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say and are actively engaged in the conversation.
Practice Empathy
Put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand their emotions and perspectives. This will help you gain a deeper understanding of their situation and allow you to provide more effective support. If you demonstrate genuine empathy, it is more likely you will build trust and rapport with the other person.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Another way to listen better and avoid giving advice is by asking open-ended questions that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or "no." Communication expert and IMA-trained mediator, Jo-Ellan Dimitrius explains, “The open-ended question is an invitation to chat.” It will enable them explore their emotions and experiences more fully.
Paraphrase and Reflect
To ensure that you have accurately understood the speaker's message, paraphrase their statements in your own words and reflect their feelings back to them. Restate or reframe key points the person made, especially if you can highlight their own solutions. Chances are, they missed them. Simply say something like, “I heard you say you wish you had asked for an apology. How might that play out?” It may be tempting to say, “I think that’s a great idea, why don’t you do that?” Don’t give in to the urge to add your evaluation of options. Your goal should be to make the speaker feel heard and validated.
Avoid Interrupting
Resist the urge to interrupt the speaker, even if you think you have the perfect solution to their problem. We often interrupt when we feel the need to fill in the silence or share our own ideas. Give them the space to share their thoughts and feelings without being cut off.
Be Mindful of Nonverbal Communication
Pay attention to the speaker's body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice, as these can provide valuable insights into their emotions and state of mind. Sometimes what a person is saying through nonverbal communication – or what they intentionally leave out of the conversation -- can give you clues as to what may be concerning them.
Don't Give Advice Unless Asked
Drop the use of “you should” and similar advisory lines. When you’re tempted to give advice, consider asking yourself this profound question, “How much greatness are we willing to grant?” Try assuming the speaker is the expert at finding optimum solutions to his own problem. Most likely, the best advice for the speaker rests within them and you can illuminate the options within their own reality. You can empower them to make decisions that are best for them by listening effectively. If someone is pushing for advice, it is best to get their permission before actually offering it. Even then, any “advice” should come from ideas the speaker has already shared with you.
The Best Advice: Model Active Listening
Perhaps you’re an expert in a particular subject matter and you feel confident enough to share your wisdom. Before you do, ask yourself why you feel compelled to do this. It is important to remember that in most cases, the speaker is the expert at finding solutions to their own problems. Your role as a listener is to support and understand, not to provide solutions. Sometimes the best advice you can give is the gift of modeling active listening. Simply listen with an open heart and mind.
Listening is more than just hearing the words someone is saying; it involves understanding their emotions, perspectives, and experiences. By practicing active listening and avoiding the temptation to give advice, we can better support those around us and foster healthier, more productive relationships.
Active listening is infinitely more powerful than giving advice. If you feel the urge to advise instead of listening, you can build your active listening skills along with over 300 participants in our courses. In the meantime, download this listening skills checklist to get started right now. What steps will you take to listen more and advise less?
