While falling in love, most people do not think about conflict. As couples grow closer, it is inevitable they will discover hidden issues that can lead to disagreements. A threat to the stability of a relationship can be scary and require deliberate work to resolve the issues that present themselves. So, what’s love got to do with it? Conflict management can be an expression of love.
Love and conflict: strange bedfellows?
Knowing how to manage conflict is essential to cultivating love. A commitment to resolving conflicts communicates that you care about the relationship.
Each person has a unique personality, set of experiences, opinions, beliefs, values, and so much more. In fact, as John Gray argues, it’s that uniqueness that is attractive and draws two people into a relationship with one another. As a couple’s life becomes more entwined, they inevitably will discover obstacles to the smooth, exciting and electric romantic relationship that brought them together.
Eventually after falling in love, couples may find they have conflicting communication styles, relationship needs, behaviors, priorities or routines. This is a normal evolutionary process in any relationship to experience these day-to-day conflicts.
As IMA Master Mediator, Mary Juetten, JD, states, “Conflict is inevitable, but does not have to be painful.” Most people fear conflict, and Juetten’s advice is that instead of avoiding it, learn how to engage better: “Relationships will always have conflict and if you do not have basic skills, your life will be harder.”
Appreciating clashing norms, values and communication styles can lead to greater harmony. This takes time and patience. With the right skills and approach, conflict can actually help loving relationships flourish.
Strategies for managing conflict in relationships
Even the most loving relationships encounter conflict, yet with an understanding and implementation of the right strategies, conflict can prove to be an opportunity for further growth.
IMA Mediator, Joyce Ndinda shared her thoughts on love and conflict, “I feel that the more you love someone, the more conflicts you'll tend to have. Some people think that avoiding conflicts shows love but I think that it only makes things worse since the avoided conflicts build up and become something worse. Moreover, with love as a foundation, conflicts can be well managed because for you to love someone; they mean so much to you that you will do what it takes to solve conflicts amicably.”
The following strategies provide healthy ways to engage in conflict with your loved one. I have borrowed all of these from techniques we teach IMA mediators, and they can easily be applied in your own relationships.
Use I Statements
Commit to using “I” statements and avoid making personal attacks on the other person. The ideal formula of an “I” statement is, “I feel ___ when you ___ because ___ and what I need is ___.”
Here are some examples of I statements:
“I feel angry when you leave dishes in the sink because I end up doing all of the cleanup. What I need is for you to pitch in and help with housework.”
“I feel frustrated when you say you do all of the housework, because I contribute to our family in other ways. What I need is for us to talk about ways we can both feel appreciated and supported.”
“I feel dismissed each time you say my idea won’t work, because you never listen to me and what I need is for you to consider my input.”
“I feel left out when you go out with colleagues after work, because we have so little time together. What I need is for us to plan more dates now and then, like we used to do.”
Beyond making broad and often inaccurate generalizations about people, these statements require deep reflection on the impacts of actions. Leading with an explanation of how you feel opens the door to communication.
An “I” statement should not include “I feel that…” or “I feel you…” because both of these are actually “you” messages that are generally more harmful. It will seem like an attack, and the other person will become defensive, which can create barriers to problem solving.
That last part of the “I” statement also tells the other person what your interests are in solving the conflict. Inviting someone into a problem-solving mode emphasizes the value that you place on the relationship and your eagerness to ensure the conflict does not fester or cause permanent damage.
Consider underlying issues
The presenting problem, at the top of the proverbial “conflict iceberg” is almost never the primary issue at the conflict’s epicenter. Whenever possible, find ways to identify and resolve the root issues.
For example, one person may get mad at their partner for not wiping the kitchen counters. However, through conversation it becomes clear that the issue was not that the person forgot to wipe the kitchen counter that one time, but rather a much deeper issue that has been festering over time, such as feeling taken for granted or unappreciated.
Viewing conflict as an invitation to address an underlying, broader or recurring issue will help you see it in a new light. It may also help you minimize the assumptions and conclusions you draw about what has happened, shaping the way you approach the underlying issue going forward. Addressing underlying issues in a conflict can help people who love one another break destructive patterns. You may both begin to reframe the relationship and ultimately grow closer. This should also dramatically change the mood in which you engage with conflict.
Be respectful
Everyone deserves respect, even when we disagree. Sometimes when we feel let down by those we love most, it’s easy to forget this basic tenet of a loving relationship.
When encountering a conflict with a loved one, it is important to remain grounded in a sense of respect for the person. Sounds easy enough, but the problem is, we all have different expectations of what it means to be respected. Asking what the other person needs or how they are feeling disrespected by you, can illuminate improved communication and connection. If respect is at the foundation of a conflict, you will likely have a less combative tone while working toward a resolution.
Actively listen
Respectfully navigating conflict involves active listening. Active listening values the perspectives and opinions of the other person. By asking open-ended questions, the individual answering the questions has an opportunity to share their thoughts.
IMA Mediator, Sicelo Jantjies, said before taking IMA’s training, “I used to be a horrible listener, I admit. That affected my relationship with my partner.” He said becoming a mediator, “changed my life and the way I viewed conflict in general.” He told us that building his listening skills has dramatically impacted the way he engages with loved ones as well as professionals and officials with whom he works.
For active listening to be effective, there must be an eagerness to learn and a willingness to receive a perspective that may change the person’s initial assumptions and beliefs about the conflict. Active listening provides a clearer pathway toward conflict transformation. Listening is also an act of compassion.
Say “I’m sorry.”
If you enter a conflict determined to prove that you are right and the other person is wrong, the conflict may escalate. However, a commitment to not accusing the other person and remaining eager to respectfully engage could shift your assumptions of the conflict and reveal how you contributed to the conflict.
Even though this can be daunting, humbly accepting your personal contribution to the conflict can dramatically impact how you interact and resolve it. The act of taking responsibility may evolve into offering an apology. Saying the words “I am sorry” and taking the appropriate steps toward making amends can be powerful catalysts for conflict resolution.
Know your limits
Sometimes, working out a conflict between two people who love one another feels insurmountable.
Alisa Kharis, of Blend Mediation, told us that after she took IMA’s training, she became more confident about engaging in conflict. “It was not always so, but now I handle conflict head-on and almost immediately, but with tact. I am no longer afraid of it. And I have found the faster you confront conflict the easier it is to manage and set a better tone for that relationship.”
Diplomacy is key, Kharis adds, “I have always felt that people should give each other a dignified way out of a conflict situation...”
As we tell even trained mediators who know how to manage conflict, there are times when you may want to give yourself an out. Or perhaps you just may need to step back and consider whether you should engage. Giving each other the grace to step away from the conflict may help you recognize your limits. Remember, you don’t have to participate in every conflict. Decide whether continuing the conflict is worth it.
Some examples:
Consider that you are both exhausted and need a break from the conflict.
Maybe the timing isn’t right and you will need to revisit the issues at a later time.
Or maybe the conditions or location aren’t ideal and move to a new physical location.
Perhaps you just need to step away, not to avoid the conflict, but rather as an act of love.
Maybe you need to be silent, not passive-aggressive, but listen without interrupting.
Boundary-setting may be the solution to the conflict.
Or maybe you have just reached your emotional limits and need an outside intervention.
If you and your loved one feel like you have reached your capacity to resolve the conflict, rest assured, there is still hope. Throughout human history, relationships have been challenged by conflict, but there are still opportunities to heal. Recognizing your limitations is key to building your resilience in conflict.
Consider mediation
If you and your loved one have reached an impasse, consider bringing in a third party interventionist to work with you.
Research shows us that outsiders have served a role in helping couples navigate conflict throughout history. Sometimes, another family member, faith leader or respected community member may offer a calming presence.
Navigating conflict is exactly what mediators are trained to do. The mediation process can work like “magic” for even the most entrenched conflicts, which can exist between people who care deeply about one another.
When a conflict is brought to mediation, the mediator is uniquely positioned to create a loving environment for the individuals to healthily interact. Mediators can also see the conflict from a unique angle, incorporating everyone’s perspectives. Mediators rely on specific techniques to foster connection, understanding and listening between the parties.
The goal of every mediation is not necessarily to fuel love, but it is to illuminate a better pathway forward, framed by the parties’ expectations. If more love is what the parties seek, they may indeed find that as their ultimate outcome of a mediation.
IMA trained mediators are equipped with the strategies to be the last one to leave the mediation. This commitment is especially helpful when the parties feel like giving up. That determination of the mediator to remain in the facilitated negotiation can encourage parties and usher them into a creative problem-solving mode even when a resolution seems impossible.
Love + Conflict = Opportunity
Realizing and discovering differences with a romantic partner is what makes sparks fly at the beginning of any loving relationship. Those differences can lead to frustration and disagreement. Conflict does not have to damage the relationship. Instead, when handled with care, conflict can allow relationships to deepen and strengthen.
Strategies such as using “I statements,” active listening, apologizing or offering respect are just a few techniques that can revolutionize how you engage in conflict with loved ones. Or if you’ve reached your limits, recognize that we humans don’t always have the capacity to resolve every conflict. Taking a break or bringing in a mediator may just be what you and your loved one need to co-create a better pathway forward. That process may help you rekindle your love, by developing healthier ways of communicating, new appreciation for your uniquenesses and a better relationship with conflict.
What approaches to conflict have worked for you when engaging with a loved one? What have you tried that has not worked? Let’s hear from you in the comments section below.
