The value of protocol, etiquette and codes of behavior shape our everyday life.  Social norms and rules can be complicated, but they serve an important role in conflict management.  In most cases, they exist to preserve social harmony, communicate expectations, deter conflict and foster respect. They vary from situation to situation and culture to culture.  Some are formal, others informal but equally important to preserving harmony within groups. As the world becomes interconnected, these variations can also lead to conflict. While we may not all agree on the rules, in my experience, most people are inclined to want peace and harmony at the end of the day. Sometimes the simple act of appreciating conflicting social norms can promote social harmony.

How a Faux-Pas Can Lead to Conflict

English speakers use the term faux pas to mean the breach of social norms or a social blunder, according to Merriam-Webster.  The exact translation from French is “false step” and can be used to describe a person or situation that is out of balance with others.  

Let me tell you about one faux pas I made in France. Several years ago, while visiting the French region of Brittany, I spotted a lovely outdoor café which was completely empty.  I pointed to the little bistro tables closest to the street and asked if I could sit down. The owner grunted in disgust and waved me to one of the less desirable tables, toward the back. He hurried off with the menus, leaving me standing there, completely bewildered.  When he finally returned, I smiled, and thinking he misunderstood my thick American accent, I once again asked if we could move to one of the more interesting tables out front. He slammed the menus on the back table and in a cross tone, shouted, “No!  You will sit here!” With my palms up, I quietly looked at the abundance of empty tables in a gesture that asked, “Why?” He shouted in reply, “You are unbelievably rude! Do you realize you never even greeted me? You won’t get anywhere around here until you learn to first say bonjour!”  

At that moment I had an epiphany: while I may be fluent in the French language, I was not fluent in local etiquette. I had not taken the time to learn how to show respect. As discussed in a previous IMA article, “Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we can be rude, without knowing it… The reality is, we all define ‘respect’ differently.”  Tourists often misinterpret French peoples’ seemingly rigid adherence to etiquette as rudeness.

A quick review of similar scenarios made me realize that it wasn’t French people who had been rude.  I was not following established cultural norms and therefore I was the nuisance who sparked conflict in each instance. From that point on, I noticed that in every café, grocery store and public place, French typically greet everyone as they enter. Check out the hilarious and validating cost of rudeness in this café!

Following this simple expectation of politeness in France worked brilliantly ever since for me.  In fact, donned with a more focused cultural lens, I felt like France was one of the most polite places I’ve experienced.  I mean, humans are unique everywhere, but on the whole, understanding at least that one measure of respect, greeting people anytime I entered a space, was a game-changer for me.

In retrospect, I have found the French sense of politeness doesn’t hurt in other cultures, but the expectations are not the same in all parts of the world, or even throughout France, and may not always yield the same results. Bottom line, in my own experience of appreciating a social norm that conflicted with my own view of the world, I was able to contribute to a sense of harmony, not only for those I encountered, but for myself as well. Moreover, it helped me evolve as a person, as I reflected on my own implicit biases and assumptions.

Organizational Norms and Conflict

According to employment lawyer-mediator,Blaine Donais, protocols for managing communication and conflict may also be determined by an organization’s “culture” or “way of life.” 

Donais outlines elements that influence culture in the workplace:

• Laws -- These can be internal, such as policies, procedures or external laws that influence the way the organization is run.  Examples include grievance procedures, open-door policies or civil rights laws.

• Language – The codes, acronyms, slang and other tools coworkers communicate with one another both formally and informally.

• Dress – Whether in suits, coveralls or aprons, the way people dress shape the organizational culture. In many cases, the workplace defines its external image by setting dress codes.  

• Authorities, power relationships and conventions – The culture of an organization may be shaped by its hierarchies, power structures, or lack thereof.

• Conflict management processes – Whether rights-based or interest-based, most organizations follow certain policies and procedures, to ensure that conflicts are managed before they escalate.

When mediating organizational workplace conflicts, I often discover that varying interpretations of the organizational culture and social norms are at the epicenter of the disagreements.  

In one particular mediation I did years ago, in the early days of mobile phones, a manager accused a subordinate of breaking a company policy that prohibited personal calls while working. He claimed he “discovered” her using her cell phone to send text messages while she was on the production floor.  The subordinate was adamant that she only used the phone to check the time.  The younger subordinate proved, with a cell phone bill, that she did not have texting capabilities on her phone.  The manager, who was a generation older than the subordinate, admitted that he had a bias against cell phones. He also wondered why she wouldn’t use a watch to check the time, “Like everyone else has done for the past 25 years I’ve worked here.” The subordinate admitted that looking at her cell phone gave the appearance of making personal calls during work hours, not only a breach of company policy but also of the business’ culture.  She explained she used her phone to check the time so that she wouldn’t miss her two 20-minute breaks, which she used to contact her kids, who were at home on summer break.  She thought it was unfair, however, that she should have to purchase a watch.  She claimed they were uncomfortable and made it difficult to do the tasks assigned to her.  In fact, she went on, only one person in the department had worn a watch to her knowledge and that employee stopped after developing carpal tunnel syndrome.  So, the employee asserted that a new social norm replaced the use of a watch: the cell phone.  Because the supervisor was looking at the situation through his own lens, which had been shaped when he was a line worker 25 years ago, he had neither noticed this widespread use of cell phones on the work floor nor the necessity for employees to check the time. 

They came up with an elegant agreement: the company would furnish clocks around the workroom floor and cell phones would be turned off inside the building.  As we wrote up the agreement, the manager joked that, back in his day people used to take smoking breaks but they got rid of those when regulations limited peoples’ ability to smoke near buildings.  The subordinate joked that maybe “cell phone breaks” should replace what used to be taken as smoking breaks.  I looked up and asked if they would want to seriously consider this.  Indeed, it made sense to them and it became part of the department’s policy: the addition of two 5-minute breaks for personal time – including texting and calling outside of the workroom.

In most workplaces, it is not just the organizational culture that impacts how people interact. An individual’s origin and experiences inform how they interact with others within the larger organization. Culture and communication are deeply intertwined. Understanding the large and small differences in communication styles can help one navigate lapses in understanding. 

Erin Meyer, a professor at one of the world’s leading business schools in France, consolidated research and reflections from personal experiences into a book called The Culture Map. This resource equips leaders with how to navigate cultural differences, which ultimately helps minimize communication-related conflict. An organization can promote social harmony by cultivating a culture of appreciation of conflicting social norms. Harmony is the engine that drives productivity in organizations.

Checking Your Cultural Lens

The best way to understand another group’s protocols is to check your own cultural lens. Review any elements of your own culture that may shape your communication approach. Then focus on others’ approaches when there is a breakdown in communication.  Try to recognize where your own perspective may be contributing to the conflict.

This often requires you to begin the often daunting process of recognizing conscious and unconscious biases. Accept that your opponent also may carry biases that shape the way they interact with you.

When you run into a conflict with others outside your own cultural boundaries and norms, try these steps:

• Note the facts

  • What protocols, rules, laws or norms were broken?  By the other person? By you?

  • What do you observe? Describe specific movements, body language, gestures and external factors.

  • What did you hear?  What words were actually spoken?

• Check your reaction

  • What did you experience?

  • How did you respond, both emotionally and physiologically?

  • What is your attitude about the other person?  

  • What is your perspective of the problem?

  • What influenced your reaction?  (education, fear, values, background, upbringing, stereotypes, media, etc.)

• Ask questions

  • What are the ways around this conflict?  What can you do to facilitate understanding?

  • What do you stand to gain or lose?  And the other person?

  • Ask the other person what they meant.  We often feel like it is taboo to do this, but often people prefer the opportunity to clarify than to be the object of assumptions and misunderstanding.

  • Ask for mediation.  See if the other person will agree to have a third party assist you in reaching a better understanding and resolution.

Mediators as Catalysts for Harmony

A skilled mediator can ask open-ended questions that help the parties involved articulate the different systems embedded in an organization that govern how they interact within the work environment. This process alone can, at a minimum, illuminate what divides the parties. At best, it may inspire change, as the parties have an opportunity to reflect  on those divisions. The mediation process opens communications to name and renegotiate rules and norms that are often not explicitly discussed. This alone may help them realize the core issues of their conflict. With a more complex picture of the work environment, the mediator, as the third party conflict interventionist, may ask questions about what types of solutions that are likely to succeed and thrive in the particular setting. 

Of course, mindful of the unique protocols, social norms and cultural differences, a good mediator will also acknowledge, validate and aim to operate within the parties' respective approaches. For example, some people may not find it appropriate to talk without being asked to speak. In that instance, the mediator should take responsibility for ensuring that each party feels equally empowered to share their feelings, perspectives, opinions, interests, etc. 

Mediators are generally conditioned to not only recognize, but also appreciate, conflicting social norms that exist between the parties. A mediator will highlight these differences in ways that can actually promote acceptance, understanding and harmony between them.

Protocol, etiquette and codes of conduct play an important role in maintaining a sense of harmony within a group.  Some may be informal, such as unwritten norms and others are as formal as written laws.  When misinterpreted or unclear, they can cause stress and lead to conflict. A mediator can help parties lay new mutually-agreed upon frameworks in which they may operate, irrespective of or within the boundaries of, the existing organizational culture.

Cultivate Harmony Through Appreciation

Understanding and respecting the expectations of different groups is key to minimizing conflicts, but not so easy to do.  Even if you are not traveling to a different part of the world, you are likely to run into conflicting social norms that can lead to disharmony. Our default reaction is to resort to judgment or defensiveness.

The next time you make a faux pas, what if you refocused your lens and took a step toward understanding, connection and compassion instead? Appreciation of conflicting social norms may just be what it takes to promote social harmony. 

What value do you see in cultivating appreciation for different social norms? Drop your comments below.