Most conflicts are the result of communication problems.  As a mediator, I observe people using blocks that get in the way of our ability to fully listen and hear what is said.  In this article, the final in a three-part series, I discuss three listening blocks: playing devil’s advocate, agreeing with everything and talking too much.  If you can identify with any of these, you are in good company! 

As with Part 1 and Part 2 in the series on blocks to effective listening, I show how you can avoid each one.  

Block #11: Playing Devil’s Advocate

Argument for argument’s sake blocks listening in most cases.  It’s fine, if everyone agrees to a verbal duel. Or, if you are like my sons and debating is a natural part of your relationship with the speaker, then you probably have nothing to worry about.  If not, the last thing they’re looking for is an argument.  

An unwanted debate discourages conversation.

You may feel compelled to correct the speaker or share your knowledge about the subject.  Rosenberg asserts, however, that “intellectual understanding blocks empathy.”  Especially if they just need you to listen, some people really take it personally when they are challenged in this way.

You may think you’re in a healthy debate, but they sense a conflict.

The speaker may feel intimidated or defensive. While you may be excited about the opportunity to prove your case, the other person may begin to withdraw from what they perceive to be a confrontation.  

Most people fear conflict.  

As mentioned earlier, Golemen explains how this fear can emotionally “hijack” the speaker. They disengage.  Even if you use open-ended questions and some of the other listening skills, when you play the devil’s advocate, you are not listening.

How to avoid playing the devil’s advocate:

• Assess the context of conversations and recognize when it’s not a debate.  

• Whether you are “right” or you simply want an intellectual debate, don’t assume the speaker has the same desire to engage on a cognitive level.  Cultivate that learner mindset, discussed earlier, and ask open-ended, curiosity-oriented questions.  

• Listen for underlying feelings.  Offer empathy and validation. Review the listening skills checklist.

Block #12: Agreeing With Everything

The “elastic person,” according to Dimitrius, may be accommodating to the speaker in order to win them over, but it’s not a two-way conversation.  Over-agreement can seem insincere and manipulative.

It can also become annoying to try to engage with a “yeasayer, or someone who agrees with everything. It’s not an engagement at all.

Conversing with a yeasayer feels more like a monologue.

Some people will try to align with everything a speaker says in order to preserve harmony and build consensus, according to anthropologist Edward T. Hall.  I grew up in the world of “Iowa nice.”  As I discussed in this article, the landscape is full of people who are accommodating, at least on the surface.  Agreeing with others, or at least giving the impression of agreement, is a norm not just in the Midwest, but in many high-context cultures.  

It may be a conflict-avoidance tactic, but agreeing is not effective listening.  

In fact, when someone needs you to listen, they may become aggravated if you go along with everything they say.  It only shows you aren’t fully engaged.

According to Dr. John Igwebuike, a thought leader on effective listening, you’ve missed the real key to listening: listening to how the speaker feels.

How to avoid agreeing with everything:

• If you are naturally someone who doesn’t like conflict or debate, instead seek opportunities to “agree” with the speaker by offering validation and restating what you hear them say.  Don’t be afraid to reflect the underlying emotions they express.

• You can — and should — actively listen to someone without always agreeing.  In fact, as I discussed here, you can disagree with them in an engaging and respectful way.  It may take you out of your comfort zone, and into the speaker’s.

Block #13: Talking too much

In the context of listening, it may seem obvious that talking too much is a block to listening, but hear me out.  I’ve found there are two categories of people who talk too much.  

Some people are overtalkers. 

It can be fun to be in a group of overtalkers. I love my family, and oh boy, can we talk!  We are used to interruptions, loud voices, tall tales and constant chatter. When everyone is on board with this style and involved in the conversation, it can work well.  Tannen refers to this as “cooperative overlapping.” 

It can be overwhelming, however, for anyone who’s not used to unconstrained communication. 

Overtalkers give long-winded details.  

They over-explain.  They are often gregarious. 

Overtalkers can fill conversations with great stories.  Everyone else is too overwhelmed or polite to stop them, so overtalkers carry on.  Just because they can “carry” the conversation, they are not, however, conversationalists.

A good conversationalist is a great listener, but an overtalker isn’t.

Although I’m pretty sure I have this tendency, overtalkers often lack self-awareness.  In fact, talking too much is sometimes a coping mechanism for people who don’t know how to deal with their own feelings. They may be afraid of rising emotions, so they inject toxic positivity, discussed previously.

Overtalkers can’t possibly listen for emotions, because they’re too busy talking! Eventually, the speaker gets discouraged or bored and stops talking.

The other category of people who talk too much are “talk-over” people.

The talk-over folks aren’t necessarily as long-winded as the overtalkers. Talk-overers hijack conversations using many of the previously-discussed blocks to listening. Often, they wait for just the right moment to infiltrate and dominate.  

Talk-over people can stop a conversation dead in its tracks.  

Talk-overers may try their best to listen, but they just can’t help themselves. They can’t bother listening any longer, because they feel compelled to prove a point, cast judgement or correct the speaker.

Their derailment tactics can feel hostile.  It’s what Tannen refers to as “conversational bullying.”  

Whether the “listener” is an overtalker or a talk-overer, eventually, the speaker will give up and stop talking.

The listener has ceased listening, because they’re too busy controlling the conversation.

How to avoid talking too much:

• If, like me, you come from a family of overtalkers, recognize the rest of the world is not like us.  You may need to work on your “EQ” self-awareness.  

• Try offering silence more, as I discussed in this article.  A lot of overtalkers worry the conversation will die and talk-over people worry the conversation will lack accuracy.  You may be surprised at how much the other person will thank you for listening.

• When I need to listen but feel the urge to interrupt, I use deep breathing.  It’s remarkably effective!  I take a slow, long, deep breath through my nose, hold it for about 10 seconds and then let it out through my mouth. I can do this without the speaker’s awareness.  It helps slow me down. As research demonstrates, deep breathing also helps us be more alert and focused.  

• If you’re a talk-over person, reflect on your underlying intentions.  Do you need to show the speaker she is wrong? Do you need to prove your intellect?  When someone really just needs you to listen, try letting go of your own motivations and reflect on the emotions of the speaker.  

If any of the blocks to listening make you cringe, don’t be too hard on yourself.   We are all guilty at some point in our lives of using blocks listed in this article or the previous ones I wrote on this subject (Part 1 and Part 2).  

Perhaps one of these listening blocks has worked for you.  

Maybe it is embedded in your communication style.  It may be a norm within your family, culture or community.  Chances are, you are unaware of the toxic impact these blocks can have on someone who just needs you to listen.  

Most conflicts are communication casualties of the toxic blocks to listening.

Conflict cannot always be avoided.  It is possible to engage in them more effectively.  I wouldn’t offer services and courses in the field of mediation and conflict management if, after 25 years, I hadn’t seen successes.  It is possible to review your listening habits and build listening skills to overcome toxic blocks that get in the way of effective listening. 

So, where are you going to begin?  I welcome your comments!